A Change of Scenery

It's the end of January, and already it seems that 2011 is flying by! Maybe it really is an age thing... that sense that time moves faster with every year you get older. A lot of things are happening in and around me, and I feel God leading me in so many new directions. I'm doing a pretty bang-up job on my New Year's Resolutions; I have started taking classes at Samford towards the completion of my photography certificate; I've started a new fitness class and plan to begin training to run a 5K as soon as the weather gets warm enough. I auditioned to be on TV (again!) and have finally been able to zip my favorite Gap jeans again! So far, 2011 looks pretty promising... can't wait to see what God has in store for me this year!

So several (and by several I mean A LOT of) months ago I promised to put more of my pictures up... so I'm taking this opportunity to do what I have failed to do very well as of yet. Here are some of the pictures I've taken over the past year, and once I get settled into this photography program, I hope I'll only get better! Stay tuned (and enjoy)!

Next Stop? Vegas, Please

It's 2011! (I'm sure you were quite aware of this fact, seeing as how it's been 2011 for 4 days now...) 2011 doesn't really mean anything special to me... except that it's a new year. It's time for new ideas, new beginnings, new resolutions (::sigh::). Oh, and I turn 30 this year (::whine::).

I don't know why I can't seem to get excited about this year. The new year is usually a spectacularly optimistic time for me. I'm sure it has very little to do with the turning 30 part and more to do with the lack of direction I seem to be finding myself dealing with. It's very strange. Let me 'splain...

I'm about to hit the Big Three-Oh. (Please, take a moment and let that sink in.) I don't know if I'm supposed to feel like this is one of those huge milestone birthdays or something, but for some reason that number... 30... seems to represent all the things that I haven't quite gotten right yet. It's so horribly pessimistic of me, and yet it's a feeling that I can't quite seem to shake. I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be by the time I turned 30... not that it's bad. It's just different. I know that I have a pretty great life. I mean, there are a lot of things that could be different... and a lot of things that I'm sure could be better in some ways... but overall, I really feel like I have a pretty great life. I have a great job. I have a fabulous house that I bought all by myself (and if you know me very well at all, I'm sure you realize what a HUGE accomplishment this was). I have a car. I have money in savings (although not as much as I would like, but we're working on it). I have money in a retirement account. I tithe (although also not as much as I would like, but I'm getting there). I have a great family. I have 3 stunningly beautiful nieces. I have a supportive church family and a wonderful pastor.

It seems entirely reasonable that I should look at 2011 with optimism and hope... rather than with apathy. And my own apathy makes me feel ungrateful and horribly out of touch with my own reality. So what's a girl to do? Before we go any further into this year, let's take a moment to recap 2010, shall we?...

Started 2010 with good friends, dancing, and lots of laughing. Madison turns 5! Work, work, work... RAISE! Dating. Cross Canadian Ragweed concert. Birthday Party! Barons games. The Masters. Sara & Josh's wedding (finally!). Hanging out in Auburn. Going to New Orleans alone. Not dating. Put a contract on a house! New clients = new friends. Closing! Work trips to Destin/Mobile/Fairhope/Orange Beach. Dad's army retirement. More work. CBC Women's Retreat. Back2Church Sunday. Dating again. Atrox! Not dating again. Vacation to DC! Lakyn turns 2! Josh visits. Jonathan visits. Lots more work. Jillian is born! Thanksgiving. Christmas. Devin visits. Big fights. Little victories...

And a partridge in a pear tree. (I feel like we need a moment of silence.)

So despite my apathy, I have determined that 2011 should be a good year. My friend Valerie told me once that my 20's just weren't my time. So, here's hoping that my 30's are my time... 'cause it's about time for it to be my time! So here are my resolutions...

1. Lose 30 pounds in honor of (and maybe in spite of?) my 30th birthday.

2. Begin to accept and celebrate people for who they actually are (instead of who I wished they would be).

3. Learn to balance my life better. (A balanced woman of God sees herself as valuable, gifted, responsible for her own growth and maturity - not overly dependent on anyone to get her through life or to make her secure.)

4. Stop being afraid to love. (EEK! Maybe I'll just take my chances with the weight loss...)

It's a new year. It's time for take life for what it is... and it's time to actually start living my life instead of just working my way through it. 2010 is gone... I can't get it back. I can't change it now. Some of the people who were in my life in 2010 aren't in my life as I begin 2011, and I'm sure that 2011 will bring it's own challenges, accomplishments, victories, and defeats. I know that every experience God gives me, every person He puts in my life, is the perfect preparation for a future that only He can see. So here's hoping for a great year... my 30th.

The Loneliness of Leadership

There is a dark and uncomfortable reality to leadership that never makes it into the glossy brochure. It's a reality that every leader experiences; it's hidden deep down in places leaders don't like to talk about at parties. That reality is this: leadership can be excruciatingly lonely.

The ministry I lead is in the midst of challenges. Energy is lagging. The group is tired. Attendance has gotten lax. Pressure is mounting. Momentum is a fondly remembered feeling of the past. And everyone is looking to me to re-energize the team, encourage attendance and commitment, and alleviate all the pressure. And the reality is, that place is a very lonely and challenging place to be.

Loneliness, whether real or imagined, can be discouraging, alientating and destructive to any ministry, but it's up to you (as the leader) to determine how to handle it. Leadership (in any capacity) is great when everything is going well, but it gets lonely blindingly fast when challenges are introduced. (For those of you who have ever led anything in your life, you know that challenges are introduced after about .018 seconds, and so you know that loneliness can set in pretty quickly.) You try to give it your best effort, to lead during the good times and during the challenging ones, but you know that you're only human and there's only so much you can do. Your group members seem to expect that you have unlimited energy, unlimited resources, and unlimited ideas.

So you're left with a choice: Keep up the charade or admit that you're a broken, limited human. (And believe me, I didn't like the choices much either, even while I typed those words.) But either way, the decision is entirely yours (and mine, as the case may be), and that's a very lonely place to live.

James put it this way: Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Wow. This is definitely one of those verses that's a lot easier to read than to apply. But sometimes, when you find yourself in the depths of loneliness, all you can do is trust God to apply it for you.

The flip side of this is in examining our own relationships with those who are leading us. We begin to see how easy it is to expect our own leaders to know when we're struggling and when we need help. Those that are leading us, though, are often stretched themselves... and can only do so much. We expect our leaders to have the answers, and we feel a deeper sense of loneliness when they don't. We feel lonely when they issue challenge instead of encouragement. We feel lonely because we're doing to them to very thing that others are doing to us. We expect our leaders to have all the answers the same way that those we're leading expect that we can solve every problem.

Being a leader is hard. A lot harder... and sometimes a lot more... than we thought we signed up for. And it can be lonely. Excruciatingly, devastatingly lonely. We think that people are going to line up and applaud us, but more often than not, they're lined up with more problems, more complaints, and more needs. But even with these challenges, leadership (in any capacity) is a deep and holy calling. So stay the course. Finish the race. Consider it pure joy.

Do You Believe in Magic?

It's my favorite time of year!! The first part of November feels a little like that time between sleeping and waking... that part where you still remember dreaming. It's the time between hot, sticky summer days and cool, breezy autumn afternoons. It's the time when you take the backroads to work just so you can see the yellows and reds of the leaves on the trees and watch the ones that have already fallen off bluster all around in your rearview mirror when you drive past. It's the time where the Halloween parties are over, the costumes and the decorations have been put away, and yet it's still not quite time to get into the hustle and bustle of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. It's absolutely perfect! God made this time of year just for me!

But since so many of you are gearing up to go full-speed into the holidays, I thought I'd take a minute to share something with my friends out there that are parents of kids who are at the age where the magic of Christmas is beginning to wane. I have a friend living in Maryland who has 2 children - Lucy, 9 and Alice, 5 - and early last year, Lucy busted the Tooth Fairy wide open. My friend knew it wouldn't be long before Santa Claus was similarly exposed, and she struggled for months with what she would say to Lucy when the subject of the false Santa came up. What she says here is pure parental magic, and it's a wonderful way for parents to expose the real Santa without losing the magic of Christmas... and more importantly, keeping the secret under wraps for younger children. Here's what she wrote on her blog last year:

A few months back, the Tooth Fairy got busted. She left a note for Alice up on her computer, and Lucy figured the whole business out. The Tooth Fairy cursed her need to write notes in elaborate fonts and tried to come up with a cover story, but it didn't fool Lucy. To her credit, Lucy has kept the secret from her little sister, who still hasn't lost a tooth and deserves to wake up with money under her pillow.

But the Tooth Fairy knew it couldn't be long before Santa was similarly unmasked. She didn't know when or how, but she knew the days of magic in her house, at least magic of a certain sort, were coming to an end. And the Tooth Fairy - by which I mean myself - was pretty darned sad about the inevitable, which finally arrived last week.

Lucy and I have been exchanging notes since the school year started. We've talked about all sorts of things - sports, books we'd like to read, adventures we'd like to have, even stories from when I was in third grade. For the most part, though, it's been light, casual stuff. Until last week.

I NEED TO KNOW, she wrote using capital letters for emphasis. ARE YOU SANTA? TELL ME THE TRUTH.

What do you do when your kid asks for the truth? You tell it of course, doing your best to figure out a way to keep at least some of the magic intact. So here's what I wrote:

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: "Are you Santa?"

I know you've wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I've had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.

The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps too.) I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won't make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something that they can't see or touch.

It's a big job, and it's an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents, in your family and in God. You'll also need to believe in things you can't measure or hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he's filled with joy. With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and happiness. I'm on his team and now you are too.

I love you and I always will,

Mama

How Bad Do You Want It?

It's been a long time since I've written. It had to be that way so I could blow off some steam, figure things out, sort out my thoughts. For months and months now, I have struggled with being single, being lonely, and learning to trust God to be my safe place. I have become tough and independent and strong and wise. I have buried myself in mountains of work and church and leisure activities, trips with friends, volunteering, dating... I have been running. And why not? It's what I do best.

I have never felt closer to God and still farther away in all my life. Sometimes I get so righteous, wondering why God is still withholding something so precious to me when I'm trying my best to do things the right way. (And for what it's worth, I've tried doing things the wrong way to with no different results.) And then I feel guilty and throw myself into work at the church and into doing the right things and being on good behavior, thinking that more religion is just what I need. And I couldn't be more wrong.

I don't need more religion. I need more revival.

And isn't that true for all of us? As Christians we like the warm fuzzy feeling we get from going to church and singing some songs and listening intently to a sermon, sometimes even going so far as to scribble a few notes down on a scrap piece of paper that we stuff away in the 3rd chapter of the book of John and never read again. We attend on Sunday mornings on our best behavior, saying all the right things, praying for revival, and then go home. We pat ourselves on the back for being such good, obedient Christians. We mean well, don't we? Yet I've never seen good intentions set a man free.

I am convinced now more than ever that what's wrong with America and with the churches in America and with the Christians in America is not the economy. It's not politics. It's not poor schools or high taxes. It's not gambling. It's not drinking and drugs. It's not trade policies, wars, or child abuse. It's the APATHY of the Christians in America.

What has happened to the power of God? Did we stop believing in it? Did we stop claiming it? There is nothing more frustrating to me right now than the people of God trying to do the work of God without the power of God! How much longer can we go on like this?! How many more empty prayers can we lift up, asking God to send revival to us but never once truly committing to what it takes to do that? Asking God to revive our churches and restore our country isn't enough! It's not enough just to say the right things and play the right parts and I AM FURIOUS! I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH.

We are called to be above reproach yet we spend countless hours entrenched in judgment of others who don't measure up to standards we feel like God would approve of. We get our feelings hurt if someone sits in our seat or if the pastor doesn't shake our hand or if we don't like the music. We would rather complain and bellyache about what's wrong with the people of the church instead of doing the one thing we're called to do - love them. Unconditionally. No matter what.

See, it doesn't matter to Jesus who someone is or who they were. It only matters to Him who they could be. He sees past the past, so I can't understand why Christians can't do the same. Quit the complaining and the judgment and just accept people for who they are - warts and all. We can't expect that God is going to rain power and revival down on us by sitting in a service on Sunday, seething with disappointment or judgment or worse - self-righteousness. He's not going to love you any more because you showed up or brought your Bible. And how quickly most of us have forgotten where we came from ourselves.

Addiction. Bitterness. Anger. Self-righteousness. Complacency. Adultery. Lying. Cheating. Stealing. Coveting. Disrepect. Disenchantment. Malice. Rudeness, lewdness, and crudeness. Jesus saves. So why are we so quick to judge those we deem "not good enough"? Is it because our reliance on religion has replaced our need for revival?

How bad do you want it?

My dad taught me a long time ago that whenever you want something badly enough, you'll do just about whatever it takes to get it. If you want a new car, you save. If you want a new job, you schmooze. If you want a new girlfriend, you pursue. But how do we ask God for revival? By robbing Him of His tithes, by disappointing Him with lackluster worship, and by forgetting the very mess He rescued us from in the first place.

It's time to make up our minds, folks. We can't move forward by stradling the fence and we can't reach people for Jesus by pretending to be what we're not. We can't complete our destiny by divorcing our past. Either we want it or we don't. It's that simple.

The next time you're in church on a Sunday morning and you stand to sing another song or sit down to listen to another sermon, maybe you should start to remember. Remember who He is. Remember what He's done. And then ask yourself... how bad do you want it?

I Know the Heart of Life is Good

It's March. And the only thing I have in my head right now is that old country song "Time Marches On." I think Tracy Lawrence sung it? Anyway, for whatever reason all I can think about are the lyrics to the chorus... South moves north. North moves south. A star is born. A star burns out. The only thing that stays the same is everything changes. Everything changes... So true, Tracy. So true.

Everything changes. And usually it's those very things that you're clinging to the tightest... the ones that you so desperately wish would always stay the same... are the very ones that change the most.

There are so many things that I wish I could say to so many people. Things that would make them understand. Things that would explain my actions. Things that would explain my non-actions. But part of my problem has always been that I felt like words should be able to make people understand. And we all know that's not usually the case. Sometimes your actions... or your inactions... make people understand far more than words ever could.

My whole life I feel like I've been waiting for that one big moment. The moment that I know without a doubt that I love someone more deeply than I ever have before and ever will again. The moment when I know that no matter what happens, everything is going to turn out alright. But the more life I live, the more I realize that maybe there really is no big moment. Maybe love is not something that happens in one big moment. Or maybe it's my own fear that keeps me running from the big moments...

How do you explain when something that seems so perfect just doesn't feel right? How do you tell someone you love that the series of actions... and inactions... have made up a past that can't be overcome in the future? How do you decide to move on with someone new... someone with the potential to break your heart all over again? And how do you begin to decipher the fine line between politeness and sincerity?

Everything changes. A person I once thought would complete my life... doesn't. A person I once thought would change for me... won't. And a person I once thought would create that one big moment... hasn't.

So maybe life shouldn't be spent waiting for that one big moment. Maybe it's not the whirlwind trips or grand promises that make love great. Maybe the best we can hope for is someone who makes us laugh, someone who forces us to dream, someone who inspires us to become more. And maybe... just maybe... it's the small, everyday romances that are sometimes the most promising...

Buckets of Hope

Wow! It's been a loooooonng time since I've written, and although I've neglected my blog recently, I'm turning to it now to get the message out about a program called "Buckets of Hope." Read on...

By now we all know about the devastation in Haiti... the massive earthquake and the huge aftershocks have left most of the country in turmoil. Although the physical damage is extensive, the emotional damage could last a lifetime for many. While the country is healing, they need help... not from people with money (although that DOES help)... but from people with a compassionate heart.

I feel like I might should include a bit of a qualifier here, before I get to my blog. I DO NOT think it is an OBLIGATION that the people of the United States provide aid to Haiti. There are some of you out there, and I do not judge you if you are one of these people... but there are some of you who will read this and will be condescending at the very thought that anyone would ask you to help someone less fortunate than you. There are some of you who will read this and will truly believe with all your heart that you aren't going to help the people of Haiti - by all regards a 3rd world country - because you feel like they should be smart enough and strong enough to help themselves. If you happen to be one of those people, PLEASE read no further.

I sometimes have a hard time with the grace of God. (I know that statement may seem unrelated, but stay with me here because it really is important.) I have a hard time accepting God's grace into my life. I have a hard time admitting that I might need the help of someone infinitely wiser than me. I want to GIVE charity... not BE charity. But the problem with this is that at some point in my life, I had to come to the conclusion that I am God's charity case. And it's humiliating. And I use that word - humiliating - purposefully. Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines humiliating as "extremely destructive to one's self-respect or dignity." And that's SO TRUE. But I had to be humiliated to realize that my own thoughts of myself weren't nearly as good as the thoughts that God thinks about me. And the moment that I chose to believe what He thinks about me rather than what I think about myself, I had to accept God's charity. I needed him to completely save my life.

So this post is meant for those of you who are, like me, living on God's charity...

The "Buckets of Hope" ministry came out of the Haiti Response Partnership between the Florida Baptist Convention, the International Mission Board, the Baptist Global Response, and the Southern Baptist Disaster Relief. Whether or not you're a baptist... or whether or not you agree with baptists... this program has been designed to provide relief to a group of people who desperately need God's charity... and He tells us in Matthew 25:45 that whatever we do for the least of these - for those whose standard of living is so far beneath us that we sometimes wonder how they even exist... for those who have not yet discovered the strength or the ambition or the creativity to make a life comparable to our own - whatever we do for them, we do for Him.

A "Bucket of Hope" is a five-gallon plastic bucket packed with pre-determined food products that will sustain one Haitian family for an entire week. For approximately $40, you can purchase the bucket and food and include the shipping charge to have a bucket delivered to a family in Haiti.

The Bucket:
The bucket should be a 5-gallon plastic bucket with a tight-fitting lid and a handle, and it should be new and unused with no logos or commercial markings on the outside. You can buy buckets like this at Lowe's or Home Depot for about $5... or you can try your local Wal-Mart bakery. Their cake icing comes shipped in these buckets, and they clean and re-sell them for $1 each.

The Food:
Any of this food can be generic or store-brand items. Once the food is used, Haitian families will be able to use the plastic bucket for a variety of everyday things - everything from collecting water to doing laundry. PLEASE DO NOT SUBSTITUTE ANY ITEM LISTED AND DO NOT ADD ANY ADDITIONAL ITEMS INSIDE THE BUCKET!

2 - 5 lb. bags of long grain enriched rice
1 - 48 oz. plastic bottle of cooking oil
1 - 2 gallon plastic ziplock storage bag (to wrap the bottle of cooking oil)
2 - 2 lb. bags of dry black or red beans
1 - 5 lb. bag of all-purpose flour (NOT self-rising)
1 - 20 oz. cylinder container of granulated white sugar (used for coffee)
2 - 1 lb. boxes of spaghetti noodles
1 - 40 oz. plastic jar of smooth peanut butter

Packing Instructions:

1. PRAY FOR THE HAITIAN FAMILY WHO WILL RECEIVE YOUR BUCKET!
2. Lay the bucket on its side.
3. Place the rice packages in the bucket. Lay bags side-by-side, flat, running in the direction from top to bottom in the bucket. Gently compress the bags (without breaking them!) as flat as possible to create room for the other items.
4. Place the bottle of oil inside a clean, unused 2 gallon storage bag, compress the air out, wrap the excess portion of the bag tightly around the bottle, and close. (This is just a precaution to protect the food should there be a leak or break in the bottle during transport.)
5. Lay the bottle of oil on top of the rice bags. Lay the wrapped container so that the bottom of the bottle is at the bottom of the bucket and is approximately in the center of the bucket.
6. Place the peanut butter jar on one side of the oil.
7. Place the cylinder of sugar on top of the wrapped oil bottle.
8. Place the boxes of spaghetti noodles on the other side of the oil.
9. While holding the sugar and peanut butter containers in place, stand the bucket upright.
10. Place one bag of beans down along the inside of the bucket next to the peanut butter.
11. Place the bag of flour on its side on top of the peanut butter, gently packing down the flour bag to clear the rim of the bucket.
12. Place the second bag of beans next to the flour.
13. Close the lid on the bucket and make sure it snaps securely.
14. Place $10 check made out to STATE BOARD OF MISSIONS in a SEALED ENVELOPE and attach to the top of the bucket.
15. Take the filled "Bucket of Hope" to your area collection center by March 5, 2010. For a complete list of collection sites, please visit www.alsbom.org/haiti. If you can't get it to a collection site from wherever you are, contact me and I will find a way to get it where it needs to go!

I'm not one to really be a huge advoate for asking people to spend their money, but... this is a phenomenal program to provide food to people who HAD nothing and now have even less. I am PLEADING with everyone who reads this to find a way to make a bucket. If this isn't up your alley or if the location is a problem or if you just want to try something different, I am encourage you to look into www.ahomeinhaiti.org, a mission to provide tents for displaced residents of Haiti.

COME ON FRIENDS! Get involved! I am literally BEGGING you, and that's a rarity for me. (I don't beg.) But I am humiliating myself to help these people. For the same amount of money I would spend on a nice night out, I can provide an entire week's worth of food for a family in need. The decision has already been made. I pledge that I will send a bucket full of hope.

Maybe I'll send two.