Exhaustivated

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Exhaustivated.

This has been the worst week... I'm so glad it's Friday!! Monday night I ended up having to work until 1am!! What is THAT craziness?? But hellllooooooo fat overtime check! Tuesday I had an eye appointment, which actually really wasn't that bad. It helps that my eye doctor is a mega-hottie. With a smokin' hot wife. And 4-year old twins. *Sigh* Then I had to work late into the night Tuesday night only to have my training class cancel Wednesday!! I finally got some good sleep Wednesday night, but Thursday I had to rush home to watch the Bean and her little-man-friend while my sister went to a job interview. THEY WERE TERRIBLE!! Nothing helped!! Not clean diapers... not bottles or baby food... not singing or rocking. I seriously can see how kids get that Shaken Baby Syndrome. And then my sister told me that she backed into my car on the way to her interview!!! It just doesn't get any better than this...

Next week it looks like I'll be hanging out in Bullock County. Stay tuned.

Things I've learned this week? Only one: The blog falls by the wayside when the hours at work are long and the work is... well, exhaustivating.

Bad Decisions

WHY IS IT SO DARN HARD TO BE SINGLE?!?!

I can already hear some of you laughing and snickering to yourselves. Especially those of you who might wish you were single... but that's a blog for another time, another place.

I made a bad decision yesterday. And just before you start laughing and snickering again... YES, I make bad decisions every day I'm sure. Or at least a couple times a week. Just most of the time, my bad decisions have to do with eating one more cookie or sleeping in instead of getting up on time for work. This one might take this week's cake.

I e-mailed the Man-Child.

Yes, I imaged the scary music playing too.

But instead of going on and on about my bad decisions and the ways I wish God would make it all up to me, I'm just going to head back to the old school. Way back when, I used to post lists of things I had learned. Time to get back to basics...

So this time around, here's my list: Things I Have Learned About Singleness

1) It gets lonely. I know about half of you are thinking Duh! while the other half is feeling some combination of pity and sympathy. Please don't look at me with the puppy-dog eyes. It's not that bad.

2) It's hard to find really good friends who are in the same life-place, BUT those friends are for-lifers. It's bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.

3) People quit asking you when you're going to get married or have children because by this point they've already decided that you're much more interested in your career than in having a family. It's sooooo not true, but it seems to be the norm.

4) Careers are easier to establish, take seriously, and manage. It's funny to hear myself say it, but I have a career. It's like making a lifetime commitment to be able to provide for myself. I'm in a line of work that I'm sure I'll be doing until that day comes where I can't work anymore (and I'll be praisin' Him all the way home that day!)... and that's a loooonnng time to love what you do!

5) MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. Are we sensing a theme here? I know it seems like I bring this up a lot, but I feel like someone reading this (ahem... besides myself) needs to hear it as much as I do! I could read all of the When God Writes Your Love Story stories ever written, but it doesn't mean as much to me as knowing... and I mean REALLY knowing... that my God will take care of me. So I have to keep reminding myself that He's enough. He was enough in high school when I didn't have a date to my senior prom. He was enough all the way through college when my friends were meeting their husbands and marrying their true loves. He was enough when I broke it off with the Golfer and the Engineer and the Man-Child, all because He couldn't approve. And He's still enough. Still today. Still tomorrow. Still next week. And if I'm lucky enough to find a Godly man and someday marry him, my God will still be enough.

And that's the best thing of all about being single. I know that I know that I know that my God will take care of me. No matter what, He's enough.

I've had enough of living life for only me,

and reaching just for the things that keep destroying me.

So sick of envying the lives of so many I see,

somehow believing that they have what I need.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You.

Those who deny You - oh, they have it better than I do.

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only You mean anything.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

Who have I in heaven but You?

Nothing I desire but You.

My heart may fail, but not You.

You are mine forever.

Who have I but You?

-Psalm 73 (My God's Enough) by BarlowGirl

The Best Days

Happy Good Friday, faithful readers! I hope that everyone is very much looking forward to this Easter season. I know some of us (ahem... me) have been struggling with God and His purpose and His plan and His timing. And I know some of us (ahem... me) have been trying to hide the fact that we're mad at God about one thing or another and we're putting on a front with Him. (It doesn't work, by the way, but we're doing it nonetheless.) Some of us (ahem... me) are praying and speaking to Him and going about everyday life as if nothing has changed. The funny thing is, though... I still speak to Him as if everything's OK. I STILL SPEAK TO HIM.

How mad can I really be, I ask you? Sometimes I don't even make sense to myself.

But no matter how angry I am or how impatient I am or how stubborn I am... I still believe. One of my favorite verses in the entire Bible is in Isaiah... what a marvelous book filled with hidden gems of Godly wisdom! Read it, and search for His hidden promises and purposes. And then read it again... He'll surprise you every time! Anyway, my one of my all-time favs is Isaiah 43:10... "You are My witnesses," declares the LORD, "and My servants whom I have chosen so that you may know and BELIEVE ME and know that I am He."

This is one of the only times that I'm aware of where God says "BELIEVE ME." Consider the wording there... he says "BELIEVE ME." Not "believe IN me." This scripture is NOT for the faint of faith. It doesn't even apply to those who are wishy-washy, always doubting and wondering if God is really there. There are LOTS of verses that apply to those people... ones to help you in your doubt and to comfort you in your loneliness.

But folks, this ain't it.

Why is this one so different? Well, because God implies that we already believe IN him. We already believe that He exists. This is a passage from the Old Testament... pre-Jesus, pre-salvation, pre-fellowship in Heaven. There was a lot of sin and a lot of war and a lot of seemingly empty promises from God for the Jews. And it's human nature (ahem... my nature) to think that God is somehow holding out on us. That there's something we're somehow entitled to that we're not getting already.

And God is saying that He chose Isaiah and the Jews because He wanted His people to BELIEVE HIM. That's a big task. I don't know if you've ever said something like, "It will happen, believe me." That's what God is saying... BELIEVE ME. I will free you, BELIEVE ME. I will take care of you, BELIEVE ME. I will provide for you, BELIEVE ME. I will do what's best for you, BELIEVE ME. I AM GOD... BELIEVE WHAT I'M TELLING YOU! In other words, I chose YOU to KNOW ME and to TRUST ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how my God will take care of me. It's easy to say... hard to believe. I've been struggling with the believing part. But here it is, in black-and-white, doesn't get any plainer... I CHOSE YOU TO BELIEVE ME. And to be a witness to the glory of it all. Now, if God is God... and we already believe IN Him... and He chose ME to BELIEVE HIM and to BE A WITNESS... doesn't He trap Himself into doing what He says He will do? Wow! What an amazing way for God to speak to me this weekend...

He was pierced for our transgressions.

He was crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

We are healed by Your sacrifice

And the life that You gave.

We are healed for You paid the price.

By Your grace we are saved.

We are saved.

He was pierced for our transgressions,

Crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

The Mask Comes Off

Well friends, I have debated long and hard about this day. I have spent so many years of my life only doing and saying the things that I think will make me seem put-together and popular. As of late, I've been remembering some of the things I should have done better or differently but didn't because I would have seemed weak or unpopular or frazzled. And I hate those things.

But today is a new day. The mask is coming off... so to speak. Does this mean that I'm ready to bear all of my deep, dark secrets for all of you out there? Probably not. But it is a change in perspective, a new transparency I've always wanted to have. And I'm finally ready to share my life with you. With all of you. Because if my life... and I mean my real life... can help someone or teach someone or comfort someone in some small way that I might never see, then that's what I need to do. I can't say that it will all be worth it because I don't know that it will be. I'm a defender of my life... I don't have it all together sometimes and I haven't always been the popular one. I might not be even now...

I am really mad at God and I'm finding it so easy to become mediocre in my walk with Him. And let's face it, aside from a few sporadic high points, I can usually find it very easy to become mediocre in my walk. But the trouble is that I go through these periods of time where I just don't care. I'm in one of those now. I just don't care that I'm mediocre. I don't want to take the time I should to read and study the Word. I'm exhausted. And sometimes it's actually refreshing to be ordinary in my faith. I can feel God's seething disappointment in me as I write this.

For most of my life, I've been different. I'm usually the "smart one" that everybody wants on their Trivial Pursuit team. Well, everyone except for TrueLove, that is, especially after that whole Panama Canal incident. I'm "smart." And sometimes that's worse than being "popular." Smart people know what I'm talking about. You get taken for granted. You end up doing other people's work because theirs might be "correct" but yours is "outstanding." People automatically assume you can figure it out. You can know what other people expect of you before they even ask. Smart. You almost have to spit to even say that word.

Even though there are MUCH worse things to be than "smart," I'm never "pretty." In most of today's society, you can't be both. Or so it seems. They even had a reality show about that one time... oh, what was it called?... ummm.... oh, right! America's Most Smartest Model. WHAT THE CRAP?!?!

I'm jealous. Not of America's Most Smartest Model. I'm jealous of pretty people. Pretty, skinny people. People who can wear two-piece bathings suits and not have kids running away and screaming in horror. But my jealousy doesn't stop there. I'm jealous of married people and people in loving, committed, serious relationships. I'm jealous of single women with fabulous single friends. I'm jealous of women with blond hair, women with brown hair, and women with red hair. I'm jealous of women with children. I'm jealous of women who can walk into the Gap and pick up a pair of jeans off the rack and wear them!! I'm jealous of women who get attention for all the wrong reasons and I'm jealous of women who get attention for all of the right ones. I'm jealous of Godly women and I'm jealous of women who are experiencing favor without doing any of the work it's supposed to take to get there!

And I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be smart because I can't be pretty. And there's just one thing that I've learned lately that's worthy of a spot on my list...

1) You CAN experience favor, even if you're living outside the will of God. Will the eternal rewards be as sweet? Probably not. But how long am I supposed to wait on Him?? Forever seems like too much for Him to ask...

10-1

OK, so I'm really sorry that I haven't posted before now. I know, I'm an undedicated blog-slacker. I'm sure you forgive me... just as I would you if you happened to be an undedicated blog-slacker. :)

So I love lists. I'm sure you've figured this out by now. I really think that it's entirely possible to categorize life in a series of lists. (Wow, saying that out loud sounds really sad...) Anyway, I stole this from Erin Carey's facebook page. If you don't know her, you should. She rocks. And this "list" is fun. For me, anyway...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Others but Sometimes Don't

10. It's really not the crisis you're making it out to be.
9. I don't have time to chit-chat with you.
8. I'm sure you'll get over it.
7. That outfit really doesn't look good on you.
6. I'm angry with you.
5. I don't think I can do what you want me to do.
4. I wish I were a better friend.
3. I'm only nice to you because I would feel bad if I wasn't.
2. Why don't you call me?
1. I love you.

Nine Things About Myself

9. I will wear a pair of jeans at least 6 times before I wash them.
8. I am deathly afraid of Kevin Bacon.
7. I could eat pizza every day.
6. I have a butt-shelf.
5. I am terribly inconsistent.
4. I love my own handwriting.
3. I laugh at my own jokes more than other people laugh at them.
2. I don't believe in multi-tasking.
1. I think it should be a law that people have to have a dog before they can have a kid.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart

8. Mean What You Say
7. Sing Karaoke
6. Impress My Friends
5. Make Me Laugh
4. Buy Me Tulips
3. Hold My Hand
2. Stick Up For Me
1. Love My Family

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

7. The Engineer
6. Where Has My Money Gone?!
5. Auburn Friends
4. Prayer Requests
3. Song Lyrics
2. Lunch
1. My Nieces

Six (Groups of?) People Who Are Important To Me

6. My Nieces
5. My Sisters
4. My Parents
3. My Birmingham Friends
2. My Co-Workers
1. My Auburn Friends

Five Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep

5. Brush My Teeth
4. Take My Medicine
3. Chat With Jesus
2. Mentally Picture Tomorrow's Wardrobe
1. Watch TV

Four Things You're Wearing Right Now

4. Auburn Sweatpants
3. Undies
2. A Shirt I Bought at "The Reef" on Choir Tour in like 2001?
1. Contact

Three Artists That You Listen To Often

3. Sara Bareilles
2. Dave Barnes
1. Taylor Swift

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die

2. Get Married
1. Have "Enough" Money

One Confession

I'm one of those people who will only do things she can do well.

It's Not Enough

So folks, I might be having one of the worst weeks EVER. Of course, I might just be exaggerating a bit like I tend to do, but you'll never know the truth unless you keep reading...

I found a MAJOR blip on my credit report on Monday, and IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT.
I managed to single-handedly crash the e-mail systems of TWO companies on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I got the e-mail working but crashed the website.
Today is Thursday... stay tuned.

I woke up at 1:01am this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread and impending doom. A year or so ago I went through this same thing... every night for a week I would wake up at exactly 4:08am with this crushing fear running through me. It's unexplainable how I would wake up at the exact same time EVERY NIGHT, but I was there. I can swear to you that's it true. It truly was something I will never forget. A year ago I mentioned this sleep-deprivation-fiasco to my former college roomie, and she made a profound statement... It sounds like God is trying to tell you something, just like Samuel. When you wake up tonight, just start praying. Wow... why didn't I think of that??

So I did what she asked, only I had absolutely no idea what to pray for... and it seemed a little too much to ask for me to sit up in bed when I'm paralyzed by this irrational sense of fear and say, "Here I am, God. Speak, for your servant is listening." So I just prayed for anything and anyone who came to my mind. Maybe someone else was in danger and needed my prayers. Maybe I was in some sort of danger. I honestly have no idea. But I can tell you this... as I prayed, tears were streaming down my face. I don't know why, except that I had this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen and God was my only refuge. It was strange and lovely all at the same time. And the next night, I didn't wake up at 4:08am. It hasn't happened since, although the experience has never been far from my mind.

And then last night I woke up at 1:01am with that all-too-familiar, gut-wrenching, overwhelming fear. So it doesn't seem like a coincidence anymore that this week's Esther study was all about fear. It was an amazing video lesson this week and has really made me think about some things. I promise I'll get back to the 1:01am story, but indulge me for just a moment while I go through this. Maybe then my 1:01am fear-party won't seem so out of place...

I can't imagine NOT living in fear. Not the gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear I woke with last night, but I just mean fear in general. Small fear. Insignificant fear. Fear of failure. Fear that I will be alone forever. Fear that I am making all the wrong decisions. Fear that I might lose someone in my family. Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that people won't like me. Friends, if you're reading this and NOT identifying with me, then you must be made of pure steel. But here's the rub...

Whatever it is that I'm most afraid of, Satan is already onto it. He uses my fear to cripple me BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT WORKS! And it works on all of us because if it didn't, we wouldn't be afraid anymore. I know that might seem like a bit of a Catch-22, but it's not really. And 75% of the time, the things I'm most afraid of happening never happen. But I fear that they might happen. And Satan threatens me with the mights. What if... What if... What if... Beth Moore taught me that "what IF" turns into I Fear... Wow, how true this is.

But it's not enough for me to trust God to not let the things I'm most afraid of never happen to me. Does that make sense? Put a different way: It's not real trust if I only trust Him to keep me from my fears. That's conditional trust. God, I trust you to never let those horrible things happen to me. But friends... WHAT IF THOSE THINGS HAPPEN?? We can't have conditional trust because it allows us an out, and that's no good. God doesn't want us to trust Him to not let the bad things happen. He wants us to TRUST HIM... no matter what.

Think of the very worst thing that you think could ever happen to you, and then fill in the blanks here: IF THIS ______________________________, THEN ____________________________. Really think about it. If this really awful thing happens to me... if my family dies... if my husband leaves me... if I never get married... then what? What will happen to you? I like to say things like, "If I never get married, I will just DIE." But would I really? I'd be heartbroken. I'd be understandably lonely. I'd probably be mean as a snake for a while. But would I DIE? Probably not. And why?? BECAUSE MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. And he'll take care of you too!

So now my blanks read IF THIS ___________________________, THEN MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. It really can't read any other way. SO WHAT IS THERE REALLY TO FEAR??

So this morning at 1:01am, when I was so fear-stricken that I didn't really think my brain would even work properly, with images of huge men entering our home, with thoughts of my family be taken during the night... all I could think to say was "My God will take care of me." And I repeated it over and over and over and over until I could go back to sleep. And you know what? It's as true this morning as it was last night. No matter what.

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years.

And sometimes the sky rains night after night... when will it clear?

But our hope endures the worst of conditions.

It's more than our optimism.

Let the earth quake... our hope is unchanged.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.

-Natalie Grant

Respect Your Wishes and Your Demands...

I have such a hard time getting everything done... I'm sure any of you can attest to feeling the same way on occasion (or on EVERY occasion like me). Between exercise, work, Bible study, choir, and home I sometimes feel like it's just TOO MUCH!! But I'm always happier when I'm extremely busy, and this, I suppose, is no exception.

I know I've spent the majority of my last few posts ranting about my Bible study (which I ADORE, by the way), and I don't know that today will be an exception, although LOTS of topics are swirling around in my head at the moment. I don't tend to plan out my public rants, I just go where the spirit leads! :) So for those of you who still put up with this meaningless, mindless banter... I applaud you!! And thanks. :)

Beth Moore really touches my heart. She has an AMAZING gift for reading and interpreting and communication the Word that really makes people not only want to LEARN it but makes them want to LOVE it too! And isn't that one of the essential points to Bible study... loving God's Word?? I think so.

Every little girl LOVES the story of Esther... and who wouldn't?? From a worldly perspective, this seemingly forgotten, humble, beautiful little girl gets picked out of a crowd to become queen! It certainly fits the Disney World version of dreams coming true. And I admit, I have always loved the story of Esther, albeit always for varying degrees of reason. First I loved it for the very reason described above. As a child of a broken home, Esther's life inspired me to have hope that dreams that seem virtually impossible really do come true! I mean, if Esther can not only become a queen but can also save her entire race of people from death, then surely things can happen for me too!! As I got older, I loved the story of Esther simply because it was a story about a young woman, like me. Women's power and all that. The Bible is chock full of stories about men and how great they are but it reveals surprisingly little regarding powerful women... well, sort of. So it seemed at the time. But now I love Esther for an entirely different reason: BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET THE LIFE SHE DREAMED OF.

What's that I say?? I know, I know. I just went on and on about how Esther's story is one of inspiration and of hope, and believe me, it truly is. Just not for the reasons I believed before. So many details of this story slipped my attention when I read through it so many times before. Here, let me list a few things I've learned about Esther that you might not have realized either...

1) Esther was an orphan. She lost BOTH of her parents. My mother lost her mother when she was only 7 years old, and even though she doesn't talk about it much, I can see that it is one of the worst pains she has ever had to face in her life. I can see in my mother's eyes that not having her mother in her life... to comfort her when she got her heart broken for the first time, to teach her how to make spaghetti or chocolate brownies, to make a big deal out of her birthdays or her first date or her high school graduation... it absolutely has affected the rest of her life. But Esther lost BOTH parents. No mom AND no dad. I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain.

2) Esther was raised by her MALE cousin, Mordecai. (I LOVE the name Mordecai, by the way, but that has nothing to do with the story at hand.) And in a land that wasn't inherently Jewish. They were exiled Jews living in Persia at the time... Jews who had the OPTION of returning to their homeland and JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. A male cousin in a land where they weren't exactly wanted.

3) Esther wasn't CHOSEN to go to the palace. She was FORCED. She was taken from the only family she has left -- her cousin -- and was dragged into a world where you have to be beautiful to survive. In that society, the repercussions of NOT being a virgin when you married were pretty severe. These girls were forcibly taken from their homes and their families to "please the king" in whatever manner he saw fit. When (not IF) they were not chosen, they were resigned to the passel of concubines the king kept at his disposal. Even if they were allowed to return home, the shame of no longer being a virgin would certainly keep many from having a normal marriage and family of their own.

4) Esther had to go through an ENTIRE YEAR OF BEAUTY TREATMENTS. I don't know about you, but HOLY CRAP. I'm sorry, but these weren't UGLY GIRLS!! They were "beautiful young virgins" (Esther 2:3). NOT UGLY GIRLS!! And they still had to go through a year of beauty treatments?? ISN'T ANYONE JUST BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH??

5) When Haman decides to kill the Jews living in Persia, Mordecai asks Esther to go to the king and fix it. You know what she replies? "Thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the King." She had not SEEN, TALKED TO, OR OTHERWISE ENGAGED IN A MARITAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HUSBAND IN A MONTH. A month. I don't know about you, but most of the reason I want to get married someday is because I want a partner, a confidante. Esther did not by any stretch of the imagination have a wonderful, fairy-tale marriage.

In fact, Esther did not by any stretch of the imagination have a wonderful, fairy-tale life... but I'm OK with that because I don't either. And yet God used her. God will use me. I am learning more and more to be transparent with people. To identify with them. To use my past as a reason to trust my future. I'm exited about what God is doing, and I'm hoping that my destiny will inspire people too someday.