It Might Start Now

What is it about music that pulls at our emotions so much? Why is it that we can find one song and listen to it over and over and over without so much as one ounce of boredom? I'm a self-proclaimed music junkie... I love it. Can't get enough. And then I'll find a song that digs way inside and sinks its claws in. It pulls up emotions that I buried long ago. And it stirs new ones that I didn't even know I had. I guess that's the great mystery of music. Somehow, someway, someone has found a way to express for us what we weren't sure we even needed to...

Hello world, hope you're listening.
Forgive me if I'm young,
Speaking out of turn.
There's someone I've been missing.
I think that they could be
The better half of me.
They're in the wrong place
Trying to make it right,
But I'm tired of justifying.
So I say to you...

Come home.
Come home...
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long,
For so long.
Right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me.
And the fight for you is all I've ever known.
So come home.

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see.
The world ain't half as bad
As they paint it to be.
If all the sons,
All the daughters,
Stopped to take it in,
Hopefully the hate subsides
And the love can begin.
It might start now, yeah,
Or maybe I'm just dreaming out loud.
But until then...

Come home.
Come home...
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long,
For so long.
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known...
Ever known...
So come home.

Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be,
And that's why I need you here.
Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be,
And that's why I need you here.
So hear this now...

Come home.
Come home...
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long,
For so long.
Right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me.
And the fight for you is all I've ever known.
So come home.

["Come Home" by OneRepublic & Sara Bareilles]

I have learned to not emote every much. (Emote... is that the right word?) Anyway, I have gotten VERY good at "content" and "pleasant." But I'm not big on showing "weak," "afraid," "unhappy," or even "malcontent." (Oooh... I'm am on top of my vocabulary today.) I don't like to feel those things... so when I do, I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to accuse me of losing my direction or my joy. It's just that lately I've realized that I have everything I need and most everything I want. And what does someone do when they have everything?

I have gotten so good at "content" and "pleasant" that it seems like I've forgotten how to feel much of anything else. I'm not even sure if it's normal to question happiness, but sometimes I miss those other emotions. I miss the fiery anger I used to feel when I discovered an injustice. I miss the miserable yearning I used to feel when I had to say goodbye. But most of all I miss the butterflies.

You know... the butterflies. The way your heart skips a beat when he enters a room. The tummy-rumbling nerves that sneak in when he says something you've been waiting to hear. The anxious tension that you could cut with a knife while you're waiting. I miss it. All of it.

It's a running joke between me and J Mac that I'm a "relationship sabotager." I have a hard time with commitment... but only because I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between politeness and sincerety. But the problem with relationship sabotage is that it lets me off the hook. And I don't want to be let off anyone's hook anymore because I might get the notion that it's OK to keep running. Everything in my life has led me to right now, and the last thing I want or need or deserve is to be let off anybody's hook.

I miss the REAL emotions. The ones that are so real that they've kept me constantly moving, mostly running from them, never ready for them. I'm almost ready. But until then, I'll wait for someday soon.