Bad Decisions

WHY IS IT SO DARN HARD TO BE SINGLE?!?!

I can already hear some of you laughing and snickering to yourselves. Especially those of you who might wish you were single... but that's a blog for another time, another place.

I made a bad decision yesterday. And just before you start laughing and snickering again... YES, I make bad decisions every day I'm sure. Or at least a couple times a week. Just most of the time, my bad decisions have to do with eating one more cookie or sleeping in instead of getting up on time for work. This one might take this week's cake.

I e-mailed the Man-Child.

Yes, I imaged the scary music playing too.

But instead of going on and on about my bad decisions and the ways I wish God would make it all up to me, I'm just going to head back to the old school. Way back when, I used to post lists of things I had learned. Time to get back to basics...

So this time around, here's my list: Things I Have Learned About Singleness

1) It gets lonely. I know about half of you are thinking Duh! while the other half is feeling some combination of pity and sympathy. Please don't look at me with the puppy-dog eyes. It's not that bad.

2) It's hard to find really good friends who are in the same life-place, BUT those friends are for-lifers. It's bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.

3) People quit asking you when you're going to get married or have children because by this point they've already decided that you're much more interested in your career than in having a family. It's sooooo not true, but it seems to be the norm.

4) Careers are easier to establish, take seriously, and manage. It's funny to hear myself say it, but I have a career. It's like making a lifetime commitment to be able to provide for myself. I'm in a line of work that I'm sure I'll be doing until that day comes where I can't work anymore (and I'll be praisin' Him all the way home that day!)... and that's a loooonnng time to love what you do!

5) MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. Are we sensing a theme here? I know it seems like I bring this up a lot, but I feel like someone reading this (ahem... besides myself) needs to hear it as much as I do! I could read all of the When God Writes Your Love Story stories ever written, but it doesn't mean as much to me as knowing... and I mean REALLY knowing... that my God will take care of me. So I have to keep reminding myself that He's enough. He was enough in high school when I didn't have a date to my senior prom. He was enough all the way through college when my friends were meeting their husbands and marrying their true loves. He was enough when I broke it off with the Golfer and the Engineer and the Man-Child, all because He couldn't approve. And He's still enough. Still today. Still tomorrow. Still next week. And if I'm lucky enough to find a Godly man and someday marry him, my God will still be enough.

And that's the best thing of all about being single. I know that I know that I know that my God will take care of me. No matter what, He's enough.

I've had enough of living life for only me,

and reaching just for the things that keep destroying me.

So sick of envying the lives of so many I see,

somehow believing that they have what I need.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You.

Those who deny You - oh, they have it better than I do.

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only You mean anything.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

Who have I in heaven but You?

Nothing I desire but You.

My heart may fail, but not You.

You are mine forever.

Who have I but You?

-Psalm 73 (My God's Enough) by BarlowGirl

The Best Days

Happy Good Friday, faithful readers! I hope that everyone is very much looking forward to this Easter season. I know some of us (ahem... me) have been struggling with God and His purpose and His plan and His timing. And I know some of us (ahem... me) have been trying to hide the fact that we're mad at God about one thing or another and we're putting on a front with Him. (It doesn't work, by the way, but we're doing it nonetheless.) Some of us (ahem... me) are praying and speaking to Him and going about everyday life as if nothing has changed. The funny thing is, though... I still speak to Him as if everything's OK. I STILL SPEAK TO HIM.

How mad can I really be, I ask you? Sometimes I don't even make sense to myself.

But no matter how angry I am or how impatient I am or how stubborn I am... I still believe. One of my favorite verses in the entire Bible is in Isaiah... what a marvelous book filled with hidden gems of Godly wisdom! Read it, and search for His hidden promises and purposes. And then read it again... He'll surprise you every time! Anyway, my one of my all-time favs is Isaiah 43:10... "You are My witnesses," declares the LORD, "and My servants whom I have chosen so that you may know and BELIEVE ME and know that I am He."

This is one of the only times that I'm aware of where God says "BELIEVE ME." Consider the wording there... he says "BELIEVE ME." Not "believe IN me." This scripture is NOT for the faint of faith. It doesn't even apply to those who are wishy-washy, always doubting and wondering if God is really there. There are LOTS of verses that apply to those people... ones to help you in your doubt and to comfort you in your loneliness.

But folks, this ain't it.

Why is this one so different? Well, because God implies that we already believe IN him. We already believe that He exists. This is a passage from the Old Testament... pre-Jesus, pre-salvation, pre-fellowship in Heaven. There was a lot of sin and a lot of war and a lot of seemingly empty promises from God for the Jews. And it's human nature (ahem... my nature) to think that God is somehow holding out on us. That there's something we're somehow entitled to that we're not getting already.

And God is saying that He chose Isaiah and the Jews because He wanted His people to BELIEVE HIM. That's a big task. I don't know if you've ever said something like, "It will happen, believe me." That's what God is saying... BELIEVE ME. I will free you, BELIEVE ME. I will take care of you, BELIEVE ME. I will provide for you, BELIEVE ME. I will do what's best for you, BELIEVE ME. I AM GOD... BELIEVE WHAT I'M TELLING YOU! In other words, I chose YOU to KNOW ME and to TRUST ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how my God will take care of me. It's easy to say... hard to believe. I've been struggling with the believing part. But here it is, in black-and-white, doesn't get any plainer... I CHOSE YOU TO BELIEVE ME. And to be a witness to the glory of it all. Now, if God is God... and we already believe IN Him... and He chose ME to BELIEVE HIM and to BE A WITNESS... doesn't He trap Himself into doing what He says He will do? Wow! What an amazing way for God to speak to me this weekend...

He was pierced for our transgressions.

He was crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

We are healed by Your sacrifice

And the life that You gave.

We are healed for You paid the price.

By Your grace we are saved.

We are saved.

He was pierced for our transgressions,

Crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

The Mask Comes Off

Well friends, I have debated long and hard about this day. I have spent so many years of my life only doing and saying the things that I think will make me seem put-together and popular. As of late, I've been remembering some of the things I should have done better or differently but didn't because I would have seemed weak or unpopular or frazzled. And I hate those things.

But today is a new day. The mask is coming off... so to speak. Does this mean that I'm ready to bear all of my deep, dark secrets for all of you out there? Probably not. But it is a change in perspective, a new transparency I've always wanted to have. And I'm finally ready to share my life with you. With all of you. Because if my life... and I mean my real life... can help someone or teach someone or comfort someone in some small way that I might never see, then that's what I need to do. I can't say that it will all be worth it because I don't know that it will be. I'm a defender of my life... I don't have it all together sometimes and I haven't always been the popular one. I might not be even now...

I am really mad at God and I'm finding it so easy to become mediocre in my walk with Him. And let's face it, aside from a few sporadic high points, I can usually find it very easy to become mediocre in my walk. But the trouble is that I go through these periods of time where I just don't care. I'm in one of those now. I just don't care that I'm mediocre. I don't want to take the time I should to read and study the Word. I'm exhausted. And sometimes it's actually refreshing to be ordinary in my faith. I can feel God's seething disappointment in me as I write this.

For most of my life, I've been different. I'm usually the "smart one" that everybody wants on their Trivial Pursuit team. Well, everyone except for TrueLove, that is, especially after that whole Panama Canal incident. I'm "smart." And sometimes that's worse than being "popular." Smart people know what I'm talking about. You get taken for granted. You end up doing other people's work because theirs might be "correct" but yours is "outstanding." People automatically assume you can figure it out. You can know what other people expect of you before they even ask. Smart. You almost have to spit to even say that word.

Even though there are MUCH worse things to be than "smart," I'm never "pretty." In most of today's society, you can't be both. Or so it seems. They even had a reality show about that one time... oh, what was it called?... ummm.... oh, right! America's Most Smartest Model. WHAT THE CRAP?!?!

I'm jealous. Not of America's Most Smartest Model. I'm jealous of pretty people. Pretty, skinny people. People who can wear two-piece bathings suits and not have kids running away and screaming in horror. But my jealousy doesn't stop there. I'm jealous of married people and people in loving, committed, serious relationships. I'm jealous of single women with fabulous single friends. I'm jealous of women with blond hair, women with brown hair, and women with red hair. I'm jealous of women with children. I'm jealous of women who can walk into the Gap and pick up a pair of jeans off the rack and wear them!! I'm jealous of women who get attention for all the wrong reasons and I'm jealous of women who get attention for all of the right ones. I'm jealous of Godly women and I'm jealous of women who are experiencing favor without doing any of the work it's supposed to take to get there!

And I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be smart because I can't be pretty. And there's just one thing that I've learned lately that's worthy of a spot on my list...

1) You CAN experience favor, even if you're living outside the will of God. Will the eternal rewards be as sweet? Probably not. But how long am I supposed to wait on Him?? Forever seems like too much for Him to ask...