It's Not Enough

So folks, I might be having one of the worst weeks EVER. Of course, I might just be exaggerating a bit like I tend to do, but you'll never know the truth unless you keep reading...

I found a MAJOR blip on my credit report on Monday, and IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT.
I managed to single-handedly crash the e-mail systems of TWO companies on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I got the e-mail working but crashed the website.
Today is Thursday... stay tuned.

I woke up at 1:01am this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread and impending doom. A year or so ago I went through this same thing... every night for a week I would wake up at exactly 4:08am with this crushing fear running through me. It's unexplainable how I would wake up at the exact same time EVERY NIGHT, but I was there. I can swear to you that's it true. It truly was something I will never forget. A year ago I mentioned this sleep-deprivation-fiasco to my former college roomie, and she made a profound statement... It sounds like God is trying to tell you something, just like Samuel. When you wake up tonight, just start praying. Wow... why didn't I think of that??

So I did what she asked, only I had absolutely no idea what to pray for... and it seemed a little too much to ask for me to sit up in bed when I'm paralyzed by this irrational sense of fear and say, "Here I am, God. Speak, for your servant is listening." So I just prayed for anything and anyone who came to my mind. Maybe someone else was in danger and needed my prayers. Maybe I was in some sort of danger. I honestly have no idea. But I can tell you this... as I prayed, tears were streaming down my face. I don't know why, except that I had this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen and God was my only refuge. It was strange and lovely all at the same time. And the next night, I didn't wake up at 4:08am. It hasn't happened since, although the experience has never been far from my mind.

And then last night I woke up at 1:01am with that all-too-familiar, gut-wrenching, overwhelming fear. So it doesn't seem like a coincidence anymore that this week's Esther study was all about fear. It was an amazing video lesson this week and has really made me think about some things. I promise I'll get back to the 1:01am story, but indulge me for just a moment while I go through this. Maybe then my 1:01am fear-party won't seem so out of place...

I can't imagine NOT living in fear. Not the gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear I woke with last night, but I just mean fear in general. Small fear. Insignificant fear. Fear of failure. Fear that I will be alone forever. Fear that I am making all the wrong decisions. Fear that I might lose someone in my family. Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that people won't like me. Friends, if you're reading this and NOT identifying with me, then you must be made of pure steel. But here's the rub...

Whatever it is that I'm most afraid of, Satan is already onto it. He uses my fear to cripple me BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT WORKS! And it works on all of us because if it didn't, we wouldn't be afraid anymore. I know that might seem like a bit of a Catch-22, but it's not really. And 75% of the time, the things I'm most afraid of happening never happen. But I fear that they might happen. And Satan threatens me with the mights. What if... What if... What if... Beth Moore taught me that "what IF" turns into I Fear... Wow, how true this is.

But it's not enough for me to trust God to not let the things I'm most afraid of never happen to me. Does that make sense? Put a different way: It's not real trust if I only trust Him to keep me from my fears. That's conditional trust. God, I trust you to never let those horrible things happen to me. But friends... WHAT IF THOSE THINGS HAPPEN?? We can't have conditional trust because it allows us an out, and that's no good. God doesn't want us to trust Him to not let the bad things happen. He wants us to TRUST HIM... no matter what.

Think of the very worst thing that you think could ever happen to you, and then fill in the blanks here: IF THIS ______________________________, THEN ____________________________. Really think about it. If this really awful thing happens to me... if my family dies... if my husband leaves me... if I never get married... then what? What will happen to you? I like to say things like, "If I never get married, I will just DIE." But would I really? I'd be heartbroken. I'd be understandably lonely. I'd probably be mean as a snake for a while. But would I DIE? Probably not. And why?? BECAUSE MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. And he'll take care of you too!

So now my blanks read IF THIS ___________________________, THEN MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. It really can't read any other way. SO WHAT IS THERE REALLY TO FEAR??

So this morning at 1:01am, when I was so fear-stricken that I didn't really think my brain would even work properly, with images of huge men entering our home, with thoughts of my family be taken during the night... all I could think to say was "My God will take care of me." And I repeated it over and over and over and over until I could go back to sleep. And you know what? It's as true this morning as it was last night. No matter what.

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years.

And sometimes the sky rains night after night... when will it clear?

But our hope endures the worst of conditions.

It's more than our optimism.

Let the earth quake... our hope is unchanged.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.

-Natalie Grant

Respect Your Wishes and Your Demands...

I have such a hard time getting everything done... I'm sure any of you can attest to feeling the same way on occasion (or on EVERY occasion like me). Between exercise, work, Bible study, choir, and home I sometimes feel like it's just TOO MUCH!! But I'm always happier when I'm extremely busy, and this, I suppose, is no exception.

I know I've spent the majority of my last few posts ranting about my Bible study (which I ADORE, by the way), and I don't know that today will be an exception, although LOTS of topics are swirling around in my head at the moment. I don't tend to plan out my public rants, I just go where the spirit leads! :) So for those of you who still put up with this meaningless, mindless banter... I applaud you!! And thanks. :)

Beth Moore really touches my heart. She has an AMAZING gift for reading and interpreting and communication the Word that really makes people not only want to LEARN it but makes them want to LOVE it too! And isn't that one of the essential points to Bible study... loving God's Word?? I think so.

Every little girl LOVES the story of Esther... and who wouldn't?? From a worldly perspective, this seemingly forgotten, humble, beautiful little girl gets picked out of a crowd to become queen! It certainly fits the Disney World version of dreams coming true. And I admit, I have always loved the story of Esther, albeit always for varying degrees of reason. First I loved it for the very reason described above. As a child of a broken home, Esther's life inspired me to have hope that dreams that seem virtually impossible really do come true! I mean, if Esther can not only become a queen but can also save her entire race of people from death, then surely things can happen for me too!! As I got older, I loved the story of Esther simply because it was a story about a young woman, like me. Women's power and all that. The Bible is chock full of stories about men and how great they are but it reveals surprisingly little regarding powerful women... well, sort of. So it seemed at the time. But now I love Esther for an entirely different reason: BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET THE LIFE SHE DREAMED OF.

What's that I say?? I know, I know. I just went on and on about how Esther's story is one of inspiration and of hope, and believe me, it truly is. Just not for the reasons I believed before. So many details of this story slipped my attention when I read through it so many times before. Here, let me list a few things I've learned about Esther that you might not have realized either...

1) Esther was an orphan. She lost BOTH of her parents. My mother lost her mother when she was only 7 years old, and even though she doesn't talk about it much, I can see that it is one of the worst pains she has ever had to face in her life. I can see in my mother's eyes that not having her mother in her life... to comfort her when she got her heart broken for the first time, to teach her how to make spaghetti or chocolate brownies, to make a big deal out of her birthdays or her first date or her high school graduation... it absolutely has affected the rest of her life. But Esther lost BOTH parents. No mom AND no dad. I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain.

2) Esther was raised by her MALE cousin, Mordecai. (I LOVE the name Mordecai, by the way, but that has nothing to do with the story at hand.) And in a land that wasn't inherently Jewish. They were exiled Jews living in Persia at the time... Jews who had the OPTION of returning to their homeland and JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. A male cousin in a land where they weren't exactly wanted.

3) Esther wasn't CHOSEN to go to the palace. She was FORCED. She was taken from the only family she has left -- her cousin -- and was dragged into a world where you have to be beautiful to survive. In that society, the repercussions of NOT being a virgin when you married were pretty severe. These girls were forcibly taken from their homes and their families to "please the king" in whatever manner he saw fit. When (not IF) they were not chosen, they were resigned to the passel of concubines the king kept at his disposal. Even if they were allowed to return home, the shame of no longer being a virgin would certainly keep many from having a normal marriage and family of their own.

4) Esther had to go through an ENTIRE YEAR OF BEAUTY TREATMENTS. I don't know about you, but HOLY CRAP. I'm sorry, but these weren't UGLY GIRLS!! They were "beautiful young virgins" (Esther 2:3). NOT UGLY GIRLS!! And they still had to go through a year of beauty treatments?? ISN'T ANYONE JUST BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH??

5) When Haman decides to kill the Jews living in Persia, Mordecai asks Esther to go to the king and fix it. You know what she replies? "Thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the King." She had not SEEN, TALKED TO, OR OTHERWISE ENGAGED IN A MARITAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HUSBAND IN A MONTH. A month. I don't know about you, but most of the reason I want to get married someday is because I want a partner, a confidante. Esther did not by any stretch of the imagination have a wonderful, fairy-tale marriage.

In fact, Esther did not by any stretch of the imagination have a wonderful, fairy-tale life... but I'm OK with that because I don't either. And yet God used her. God will use me. I am learning more and more to be transparent with people. To identify with them. To use my past as a reason to trust my future. I'm exited about what God is doing, and I'm hoping that my destiny will inspire people too someday.