Auld Lang Syne

Hello Friends!! It's so great to be writing again... even though my thoughts are so scattered that I have no idea what I'm even writing about! I can't believe it's almost 2009...

You know when you're a kid and you always wonder what the future will be like? Even when I graduated from high school, I don't think I could have pictured myself in the year 2009. And here we are, and I'm so far from where I thought I would be. When I was in high school, if you asked me what I would be like in 2009, I would have said that I would be married and practicing law somewhere fabulous. That was the goal -- my purpose in life. Living up to my potential if you will. If you had asked me in college what I would be like in 2009, I probably would have said that I would be married and singing or leading worship somewhere fabulous. Maybe I would have said that I would be working for a big company in DC or New York.

In reality, I will turn 28 in 2009. I am working in litigation, but as a Lit Support Manager... not practicing law like I would have guessed. I still live in Gardendale, but by way of Auburn and DC and Tuscaloosa... not in a big city like I projected. Although, I must say, it's been an interesting ride, and I'm remembering the best and worst of times these days. As I get older, I have begun to see things as they actually are instead of how the should be. I miss people that I never thought I would and I feel differently than maybe I should...

To Paige, Allison, and Megan (as well as Robert, Clay, and Kevin): You guys never cease to amaze me. Nothing ever changes, and when I'm with you guys, it doesn't matter that I'm unmarried with no kids (and, consequently, very little life). Even though I feel so far behind you guys at times, it's always great to have friends who know your past and anticipate your future.

To Emily, Josh, and Jonathan: I seriously don't know if I would have made it out alive if it weren't for you three. I know that y'all sometimes think that I am the glue that connects this awesome foursome, but you guys will never know that it was you who kept me connected in so many ways -- connected to God, connected to my passions, connected to real life. And you gave me a place to belong. I have spent most of my life thus far feeling like I don't really fit in anywhere, but I realize now that you three are my soulmates. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To the Members of YKK (especially Meredith, Brandon, Nick, Eron, and Van): OMG I have never laughed as hard with anyone else as I have with you. Whether it was playing Battle of the Sexes (Sk...Sk...Skipper!), Trivial Pursuit (The Panama Canal flows THAT way!!), Balderdash (Spraints a Tot!), Hide and Seek (Van, I seriously hope your arm didn't suffer any permanent damage...), or Volleyball, I loved every minute and I know I can count on you when I need it most.

To the Boys Past, Present, and Future: I have been single for almost 28 years, and while that sometimes seems like a curse, it's also a blessing in disguise. I have lived on my own, traveled on my own, and survived on my own for a long time. I have had the opportunity to live independently and have learned how to ask for help when I need it. I am smart; I am successful; I am beautiful. I know it's intimidating for you sometimes. I can be intense. I can argue both sides. I can make you feel as big as the world or as small as nothing in the blink of an eye. But I will also get to tell one of you someday that I've had too much of me and not enough of you. Keep waiting on me. Don't give up. I can't run forever.

It's crazy the clarity that comes with old age. :) So anyway, onto THE LIST!!

1) I love the cheese biscuits from Jim 'N Nick's BBQ. With honey butter, please.

2) Christmas holds less luster than it used to. Maybe it's that pesky No-Santa-Claus thing.

3) Sara Bareilles has a recording of "Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay" that I love. She's out of tune in the opening. Fact. Not fiction.

4) Toy commericals really do work on children. My neice saw a commerical for the baby doll that goes to the potty, and all she's been singing for weeks is, "Pee-Pee in the Pot-ty! Pee-Pee in the Pot-ty!" It's annoying. She got the Pee-Pee doll for Christmas to shut her up.

5) I am really jealous of my married (and newly engaged) friends. But when I really stop and think about it, I seriously can't image the feeling of actually wanting to be married. Don't misunderstand me... I want to be married more than anything. I want to share my life with someone. I want to have a family. But that feeling when you go from dating to serious... and then he asks... and then that overwhelming feeling that all engaged girls inevitably get. That feeling that brings tears immediately to your eyes when you realize that you actually want to be with this one person forever. I am jealous of that feeling.

Enough pouring my heart out for one day. Next post promises to be light-hearted. :)

Playing Games of Catch-Up

Can it really have only been a little less than 2 weeks since I posted?? I know that perhaps the every-other-week thing seems a bit sparse, but these past couple of weeks have literally seemed like a lifetime!...

I've become a massively huge fan of Picnik... and for those of you who don't know what it is, it's a free photo-editing website. Well, technically I guess you can subscribe and get more features if you pay money, but who wants to do that?? Not me. Anyway, just for grins, here are a few pictures I've taken over the course of a few millenia (so it seems). Enjoy!!

I call this one "First Avenue Lady." It was taken in downtown Birmingham... from my car... pretty much in the middle of the day... obviously on First Avenue. I played a bit with the colors and the exposure, and I'm pretty pleased with the results.

This is a photo I took from the ferry going from San Francisco to Sausalito, CA. It's an absolutely beautiful place... freezing... even in August, and especially on the water. I hyper-saturated the colors to make the sunset appear more brilliant, which I LOVE!! The picture now looks exactly like Sausalito does in my memory... stunning.

This really is one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken. It's a section of RR tracks not far from my house that are very rarely used anymore. I love the picture just because it makes it seem like part of a ghost town or something. Very solemn. Very lonely. Melancholy even. I took the picture in sepia and then tinted it with red.

I took this picture in Destin, FL a couple years back. The beach was pretty eroded from a recent hurricane and everything had this worn look about it, especially this old boardwalk. What I really love about the picture is that you definitely can't tell that at the end of this bridge were some VERY steep steps going down to the water. And you can't tell even more that the steps had been washed away by the storm and just left this 20 foot drop just over the edge. It was frightening, but the picture makes it look like a tiny bit of nostalgia. I used the same grainy exposure as I did with the First Avenue Lady, saturated some of the colors, and then used a sharpening tool to bring out some of the whites and define individual pieces. I think it turned out really nice.

Here's my tribute to Auburn Road... you're welcome, Josh. The exposed brick wall and dim, even intimate lighting lent itself very well to a softed version of this picture. It definitely makes them look more professional.... :)

I have LOADS of other pictures, and I'll try to be better at posting some of them so you can enjoy them too! But, it's time again for the things I've learned lately, which is not much. I think I've passed the learning curve...

1. Pets belong at the zoo. OK, maybe I didn't just learn this, and I know I'm going catch a lot of flack from you animal-lovers out there. Please hear me out... I don't hate your pets. I just shouldn't have any. To me, it seems a bit like burning $20 bills. I can pay a few bucks and get my fill of the pets at the zoo. Once a year is good enough for me.

2. I am more afraid of Kevin Bacon than I am of roaches. This disgusts me. Whenever a Kevin Bacon movie comes on TV, I feel all awkward and panicky and my palms get all sweaty and I have to close my eyes. Yes, I realize that this is completely and utterly irrational... my mysterious KevinBaconophobia. And I used to be terrified of roaches, but just the other night one honked as he crawled past me in the garage. I didn't even jump!! I was just very still as I called my sister out to take care of it. But later that night, "Footloose" came on TV and I thought I needed an inhaler.

3. I want a vampire boyfriend. I realize that I am getting weirder by the day, but Twilight has made me strangly envious of fictional vampire love that spans centuries. Sigh...

4. Publix has made organic shopping so easy!! I was recently convicted about all the chemicals I was adding to my body via food, and while I can't say that I go out of my way to buy organic foods, I have realized that they tend to taste better and they don't make me feel bad for eating a bunch of chemicals. At Publix, they mark all the organic foods with a brown price label and the non-organics with a white one. Now I don't even have to think about it!! I love America.

Well kiddos... enjoy the rest of your week! I know it's only Monday, but every day is one closer to Friday! :)

Lost

It's a strange concept to me... lost. It's definitely NOT a destination. You've planned a near-perfect route and you're cruising along when all of a sudden... WHAM! You're lost. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find the turn you took that steered you so far off course. But it happens to the best of us, and I'm feeling pretty lost today. There are three very distinct reasons why. Read on (if you dare)...

1) "God has someone special out there for you."

Now, I realize that it might sound just a bit pretentious and maybe even just plain insane that this uplifting little statement could make me feel absolutely lost. But in all honesty, I think if I hear this phrase spoken to me one more time, I seriously might yak in someone's face. (Yes, please consider this a warning.) I am at an age where just about everyone I know is in some combination of monogamy, marriage, or getting some on a regular basis. So it seems pretty easy for them to say that there's a special someone out there for me too.

Honestly, I don't know if there's someone out there for me. I completely understand that you can't be outside the will of God and expect the blessings of God, but I'm having a really hard time even figuring out what it is that I'm even doing wrong here! If he's out there, is it really too much to ask that he show himself... and soon, please, before I completely lose it. Most of my friends/coworkers/family like to say condesending things like "Oh, you're so lucky. You get to have a career and friends and do whatever you want to." What they don't realize is that the desires of my heart are to have a happy little marriage, a happy little family, all living together in a happy little house. My desires are not for work or career or freedom. The grass is always greener...

Being mad at God is NOT something that comes naturally for me. I'm a blame taker and a peace maker, so it's hard for me to be or stay mad at God (or anyone, for that matter) when I know there's probably an insanely long list of my faults and wrongdoings that can be thrown back in my face. I shudder to think of that conversation. But I seriously am having trouble believing that God would withhold something that He knows would make me so unbelievably happy while allowing my parents to push me to plan my 19-year-old sister's wedding! This one little event has the potential to crush my spirit so thoroughly, so completely.

I feel like God is holding out on me! I can so easily see how Eve was "tricked" into partaking of the beautiful, perfect yet forbidden fruit. Satan convinced her that God was holding out on her. He was withholding something wonderful, something perfect, something she should be entitled to. It's becoming harder and harder to be obedient when rebellion seems too beautiful, too perfect, too easy.

2) "You're really not going to tell me anything about your life?"

Maybe I just have a short fuse these days, but when I heard this statement, I seriously wanted to shift into a werewolf and claw some eyes out. First of all, there's not much to tell. Second of all, I am not in such a bad position in life that I need someone to feign interest in my life. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear it when we were dating, and now that he's made the unilateral decision that we "could be great friends," he is fishing for information. Information that I'm doing worse without him. Which I'm not. I'm not worse off. I'm just lost. It's hard to feel bad or good when you're frantically trying to find a way back to your normal life. But even if I wanted to be brutally honest about how my life has improved post-taxman, I am always the one to do/say exactly what is expected. And even though I want to lash out, stay angry, hold a massive grudge, I don't. I answer the phone every single time. Sometimes I find myself so annoying...

3) "You're not really going to buy a house here, are you?"

This is probably the worst, most frustrating sentence in the entire world. At least for me anyway, because I never thought I'd be a townie. And it's not that being a townie is a bad thing... I just really, honestly never thought it would be me. I am the mover. I am the accomplisher. I am perpetually on to bigger and better things. Right?

But what if I'm not? What if I'm no better or worse than anyone else who moves home? Even if I moved to a completely different city with completely new faces, new opportunities, new scenery... would anything really be any different? Wouldn't I still be me? Me, surrounded by newer, married/monogamous/parental faces.

And this whole house thing... I just honestly don't know what else to do! I mean, seriously, if I bought a house, what would I do with it? Live in it alone?? I have no idea how to do that! But, again, I just don't know what else to do! It seems like the most plausible option at this point. It's too expensive to rent and a ridiculous waste of money. But it's SOOOO permanent to buy. What's a girl to do??

Kiddos, I have no idea what I've learned this week. I have no words of wisdom. Maybe you could share some news with me... you never know what might make it into my next post!!

Adios...