Life's Like an Hourglass Glued to the Table...

Is it really time again for reflection on another year passed? It's hard to believe that the month, the year, AND the decade are all coming to a close at the same time! So many things have happened - not just this year, but this entire decade! I think the close of every year is met with just a little bit of shock and awe at the ways in which we've all grown closer or grown wiser or grown up or grown apart.

It's all about the growing, really... that's why we're still here. Each year we have new opportunities to heal or to help or to forgive or to make amends. Or we have bridges that need to be burned, past hurts that need to be buried, regrets that need to be remedied. And with every new happiness, every new tear, every new joy, every new pain... we grow. We become someone just a little bit different than we were before. Contrary to what most of us choose to believe, people really do change. And as long as I'm here on this earth, I will continue to believe that people change just a little bit every day. It might not always be in ways that we can see... or even in ways that we agree with... but there's always change.

I have grown in a lot of ways this year... my career has grown into something I never dreamed I would be doing... and that I never dreamed I would love this much. I have learned that it's very easy for me to validate myself by my performance at work. I relish the opportunity to be important in the eyes of my clients and coworkers. I have tucked myself into a wonderful caccoon of job security. And, at times, I have forgotten what life is really like. Career is an interesting animal.

(Disclaimer: I don't use the term "necessary evil" because while I do believe that work is necessary, I don't think it's an "evil." I don't think any of us would be any happier, better, more successful people if we didn't HAVE to work. I think work is a growth all its own. Work is an opportunity to find a place for yourself, find something you're good at, and decide WHO you want to be when the going gets tough. It teaches us patience and tolerance for others, perseverance, dedication, grace under pressure and how to handle tough decisions and honest mistakes. And for the record, I don't think you have to work outside the home to learn these things. But I do think all of these qualities are BUILT by working hard at SOMETHING, whether that be raising kids or even playing sports.)

I have also recognized a lot of failures this year... failed relationships, failed tests of character, failed communication... poor decisions, poor circumstances, poor choices. But I don't think any year is ever any easier than the one before. Sometimes we are presented with an opportunity and sometimes we create an opportunity. Sometimes we say the right thing and sometimes we mean to say the right thing. Sometimes we judge and sometimes we let it slide.

I think, for the most part, we all try to do and say and mean the things that are good and right and helpful. But sometimes it gets all mixed up, and there's never any indication as to which time it might be right and which time it might be wrong. Sometimes the relationships you wish you could repair can't be fixed. Sometimes the bridges you've burned can't be rebuilt. But sometimes... and you never know when or where it might happen... people change. And eventually, it might be you.

So where do I go from here? The year is coming to a close... the decisions have been made or left undecided, the bridges have been built or burned... what happens next? I can only speak for myself when I say that the only place to go from here is onward. Maybe 2010 will be the year when I can finally work a little less and spend more time with friends and family. Maybe 2010 will be the year of romance. Maybe 2010 will be the year that everything changes. But who really knows? So, with that in mind, here are my 2010 resolutions...

I, then, shall live as one who's been forgiven.
I'll walk with joy to know my debts are paid.
I know my name is clear before my Father;
I am His child, and I'll not be afraid.
So greatly pardoned, I'll forgive my brother.
The law of love, I gladly will obey.

I, then, shall live as one who's learned compassion.
I've been so loved that I'll risk loving too.
I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges;
I'll dare to see another's point of view.
And when relationships demand commitment,
Then I'll be there to care and follow through.

Your kingdom come around and through and in me;
Your power and glory, let them shine through me.
Your Hallowed name, may I bear with honor,
And may Your living kingdom come in me.
The Bread of Life, may I share with honor,
And may You feed a hungry world through me.

It Might Start Now

What is it about music that pulls at our emotions so much? Why is it that we can find one song and listen to it over and over and over without so much as one ounce of boredom? I'm a self-proclaimed music junkie... I love it. Can't get enough. And then I'll find a song that digs way inside and sinks its claws in. It pulls up emotions that I buried long ago. And it stirs new ones that I didn't even know I had. I guess that's the great mystery of music. Somehow, someway, someone has found a way to express for us what we weren't sure we even needed to...

Hello world, hope you're listening.
Forgive me if I'm young,
Speaking out of turn.
There's someone I've been missing.
I think that they could be
The better half of me.
They're in the wrong place
Trying to make it right,
But I'm tired of justifying.
So I say to you...

Come home.
Come home...
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long,
For so long.
Right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me.
And the fight for you is all I've ever known.
So come home.

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see.
The world ain't half as bad
As they paint it to be.
If all the sons,
All the daughters,
Stopped to take it in,
Hopefully the hate subsides
And the love can begin.
It might start now, yeah,
Or maybe I'm just dreaming out loud.
But until then...

Come home.
Come home...
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long,
For so long.
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known...
Ever known...
So come home.

Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be,
And that's why I need you here.
Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be,
And that's why I need you here.
So hear this now...

Come home.
Come home...
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long,
For so long.
Right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me.
And the fight for you is all I've ever known.
So come home.

["Come Home" by OneRepublic & Sara Bareilles]

I have learned to not emote every much. (Emote... is that the right word?) Anyway, I have gotten VERY good at "content" and "pleasant." But I'm not big on showing "weak," "afraid," "unhappy," or even "malcontent." (Oooh... I'm am on top of my vocabulary today.) I don't like to feel those things... so when I do, I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to accuse me of losing my direction or my joy. It's just that lately I've realized that I have everything I need and most everything I want. And what does someone do when they have everything?

I have gotten so good at "content" and "pleasant" that it seems like I've forgotten how to feel much of anything else. I'm not even sure if it's normal to question happiness, but sometimes I miss those other emotions. I miss the fiery anger I used to feel when I discovered an injustice. I miss the miserable yearning I used to feel when I had to say goodbye. But most of all I miss the butterflies.

You know... the butterflies. The way your heart skips a beat when he enters a room. The tummy-rumbling nerves that sneak in when he says something you've been waiting to hear. The anxious tension that you could cut with a knife while you're waiting. I miss it. All of it.

It's a running joke between me and J Mac that I'm a "relationship sabotager." I have a hard time with commitment... but only because I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between politeness and sincerety. But the problem with relationship sabotage is that it lets me off the hook. And I don't want to be let off anyone's hook anymore because I might get the notion that it's OK to keep running. Everything in my life has led me to right now, and the last thing I want or need or deserve is to be let off anybody's hook.

I miss the REAL emotions. The ones that are so real that they've kept me constantly moving, mostly running from them, never ready for them. I'm almost ready. But until then, I'll wait for someday soon.

Fresh, Clear, Well-Seasoned Perspective

Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?

Perspective is a funny thing. It never comes when you need it most, that's for sure. The dictionary defines "perspetive" as "one's point of view." I don't know that I necessarily agree with that. Or maybe I do... stay with me, folks. This is a bumpy one...

A wise man once said that opinions are like butts. Everybody has one and they all stink. Hmmm... an outrageous metaphor, but so true. Most of us spend our entire lives trying to develop our own system of beliefs... our own opinions... our unique perspective, if you will. We follow politics and try to form some opinion of what's right and wrong with our government. We join sororities and fraternities and civic clubs to form opinions about the programs and causes that are most important. We choose our friends based on who most thinks like us. We cheer for a certain sports team because that's who mom or dad or husband or wife cheers for. We deal with trials and tribulations, successes and failures, based on friends we know who have already been there and done that. But how many of us are really forming a unique perspective?

Fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective.

I would venture to go so far as to say that none of us have a unique perspective. I don't think that any human ever has. Our beliefs and opinions... our perspective... is so often formed by people we perceive to be wiser or smarter or more popular than we are. But perception is a great deceiver... sometimes our perception is spot-on, and sometimes it couldn't be father from the truth. And anything that unreliable shouldn't be wholly trusted.

I will even go even further to say that we as humans are almost totally incapable of forming a unique perspective. Everything we believe or don't believe is based on the beliefs or the un-beliefs of something or someone before us. Please don't misunderstand me... I don't mean to sound like all humans are merely mindless lemmings, incapable of personal thought development or of gaining wisdom through personal experience. I only mean to say that we tend to base what we believe on something other than ourselves.

So, now I make my hypthesis... my geometry-inspired "If-Then Statement" (Mrs. Tanner would be so proud...)... IF we as humans are incapable of forming our own unique opinions and perspective... and IF we draw our opinions from others... THEN it should stand to reason that we should adopt the opinions and perspective of someone or something COMPLETELY INFALLABLE.

And there's the rub. No matter how wise or experienced or popular someone may be, their mistakes are all just as costly as ours. It's insanity, really, the amount of trust we put in people that we perceive to be better than us in some way. There's only one human who has ever been or ever will be on earth who is completely infallable. Only one has never made a mistake or a bad choice or a hasty decision. Only one is infinitely wise, infinitely good, infinitely experienced, and infinitely popular... and yet we put our trust in so many other than the One.

I spent lots of time conforming my opinions to the opinions of others that I felt could advance me somehow. I picked a political party. I joined a social club or two. I went to a popular college. I listened to music that made me fit in with one group or another. I went to church and then I didn't. I dated a certain guy while not even considering another. And I did all of this... I formed my entire existence around what others thought or said or believed. And for years I felt that, somehow, I didn't quite belong anywhere.

And that's when He said, "Blair, don't you get it? You belong with me."

And it was life-altering. Not so much because I made new friends or chose a different career or dropped out of my clubs. It was life-altering because I can now form my beliefs and my opinions... my perspective... out of the perspective of the One who is infinitely wiser than I could ever dream. Jesus warns me so many times in the Bible to not be deceived by my own perspective...

Every brother is a deceiver and every friend a slanderer... Jeremiah 9:5
The pride of your heart has deceived you... Obadiah 1:2
Watch out that no one deceives you... Matthew 24:4
If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself... Galatians 6:3
Let no one deceive you with empty words... Ephesians 5:6
I tell you this so that no one may deceive you with a good argument... Colossians 2:4
Don't be deceived... James 1:16

And on and on it goes. Don't be deceived by what others are saying. Don't blindly accept someone's opinion as fact. Don't do something just because someone you love is doing it. You are His beloved, called by His name. Don't worry. He has a plan that was made just for you. Adopt His perspective as your own. Don't be afraid to seem unimportant in the eyes of people. Choose instead to be famous in the secret audience of the One who sees and understands it all.

Lord, it's with an honest reverence
That I come into Your presence,
Whispering the Name that calms all fear.
And I'm filled with such emotion
At Your mercy and devotion -
To think that You would come
And meet me here.

Lord, I tremble
At the very thought of Calvary
Where You chose me over life
And You suffered willingly.
Lord, I tremble
At the way I'm undeserving
Of the love You came to give
And Your blood that makes me worthy.
Lord, I tremble.

My Jesus is an Auburn Fan

Don't laugh! This is serious! It's been almost an entire month since my last post, so I've had plenty of time to figure this one out. Stay with me...

Team sports have always intrigued me. I participated in just about every sport imaginable when I was younger... softball, basketball, cheerleading, gymnastics, volleyball, newcomb (does this count as a sport?). Anyway, I'm a big fan of team sports. I love the competition, the adrenaline rush of a close game, the comraderie of a team trying to win. It's exhilarating. That's why I came to the conclusion that Jesus must be a fan of team sports too...

I love Auburn football. In fact, I just love Auburn in general. And everyone I know that went to Auburn has the same love and awe and respect for it. And no two loves are alike. Auburn is not just a school or a town or even a football team. It's a family. On the first day of orientation, you're welcomed into the "Auburn family." It's a special kind of relationship...

And thus, football Saturdays are kind of like a family reunion. It doesn't matter how long you've been away or whether or not you accomplished all you set out to do. Even people who are team non-committal find themselves caught up in the rush of cheering a team along. People come from all across the country, sporting team colors and wielding masses of tiger tails and team shakers... and all for the same reason: TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING SPECIAL. It's true. Most people don't love Auburn because of the great football program. They don't love Auburn because of its stellar academics. They love Auburn because they're a part of something special... a special bond between a place and a group of people. People love the relationship.

So Jesus MUST be an Auburn fan... or at least I bet He can identify.

Jesus is all about relationship. He's all about that lovin' feelin'. He doesn't care where you come from or what you're wearing. He doesn't care if you tithe enough or if you are worshiping a certain way. It doesn't matter if you follow a set of rules or if you know all the books of the Bible. It doesn't matter to Him how long you've been away or whether or not you've accomplished everything you should have. What matters to Him is that you come. He wants to be a part of something special with you. Jesus isn't about rules or priorities or expectations; He's about relationship.

I've come to the conclusion that the things that people are jealous of aren't things. People are jealous of relationships. People crave that lovin' feelin'. People desperately want to be a part of something special. It's why they love Auburn and will defend it no matter what. It's why people who don't care anything about sports will find themselves in a borrowed Auburn t-shirt to go to a game with a friend. And it's why Auburn fans will wear crimson and white to a game with a friend in order to be a part of the team. Those people don't love the crimson and white team... they love the relationship their friend has with the team or the school or even the crowd. It's overwhelming. And it's contagious.

And shouldn't it be with Jesus so much more? If we're truly living in a special relationship with Him... and if people are jealous of the best relationships... shouldn't we be pointing people to Him by our very disposition? Jesus is especially fond of me. And he's especially fond of you. He loves each of us completely and completely differently. And my Jesus is an Auburn fan.

Not Me! Monday...

If you read MckMama's blog My Charming Kids, then I'm sure you're aware of the fun of Not Me! Mondays. It's been a wild couple of weeks... and here's a list of things that I did not do...

It was not me who came up with a lame excuse so I could leave work 3 hours early and go to Hobby Lobby and browse the Christmas ornament aisles. Not me! I would never do something so deceitful... especially when Christmas is still almost 4 months away.

It was also not me who went by Full Moon BBQ last night and ordered a half dozen cookies (and nothing else) for dinner last night because I was too lazy to cook anything else. Nope. Not me! I always find something healthy and nutritious to make myself for dinner. Besides, my mother taught me that you can't eat only cookies for dinner... and I always do what mother says.

And it was not me who sat behind her desk with her pants unbuttoned all day because they were too tight (...probably from not eating the aforementioned half dozen cookies). No way! Not me! I would never stoop so low just to squeeze into a pair of last year's pants that should still fit.

And since we're not confessing, it was certainly not me who took an entire day off work on Friday to prepare for a party that was cancelled. Not me! If I cancelled a party, I would be responsible and go to work instead of wasting an entire day eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watching HGTV.

Anyone want to share your Not Me! moments??

Disturb Us, Lord

Can you believe it's September?? With every passing month, I become more and more aware of all the things I meant to do or be or become. It seems like every time I post again, I'm filling the first paragraph with apologies for not writing like I should and with excuses about how busy I am. This week I have finally! realized that everyone's busy. No one's life is any less important than mine, even though sometimes my actions (and my driving) may prove otherwise. So, onward and upward...

I came across this unbelieveable poem this week and fell on my face with conviction. Read it first. I'll explain afterwards...

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
[Sir Francis Drake]

If you read that and felt nothing, then I pity you. How many times a day, a week, a month... a lifetime?... do we sail too closely to the shore, never once leaving our comfy, warm life to meet with Jesus on the raging sea? How many times have I fallen in love with my own life and neglected to remember the very reason for life itself? How many times have I been satisfied with what I have, never once believing that there was anything better to dare to dream for? How many of us are working diligently to create a new, better world to live in but forget that this earth is merely a temporary tent of a home? Oh the things we could accomplish if we could only remember!!

I can't remember a day when I wasn't at least kind of afraid. Looking back at so many of my posts over the course of the past year, fear seems to be an underlying theme. And the funny part is that I don't have an overwhelming volume of conscious fear. But I could speak volumes about my unconscious fears. It's small fear... fear that I don't always know I possess. It's the small fear that keeps holding me back, day after precious day.

I don't have many regrets in life. I think that most people say that they don't have regrets because mistakes only make you stronger, build character, or bring you to where you are today. And while I think I belive that, I can't honestly say that I don't have any regrets. Anyone who says they don't have any regrets suffers from one of two things: 1) denial or 2) miracles. Anyone who has no regrets has never been faced with the fact that someone's very life might have been in your hands and you blew it because you were afraid.

I suffer from a particularly terrifying fear of not being liked. It is closely linked to my struggle with fear of failure. I have convinced myself that being well-liked is in direct correlation to being successful. In other words, the more liked I am by people, the more I will succeed. If you really think that statement through, it's not entirely untrue. Or uncommon. These fears were particularly successful in the winter of 2006. I very well might have held someone's life in my hands, and I didn't follow-up, I didn't check in, I didn't encourage. And all because I was afraid. I was afraid that a group of teenagers might think I was (gasp!) uncool and that if I was (gasp!) uncool that I would be unsuccessful. I have never let that experience leave me for fear that history might repeat itself. All I can hope is that a seed was planted and that God handled the things that I so royally messed up. I won't know this side of heaven.

I know that I am usually writing about Godly singleness, and I won't leave out that part because it all works together. My fears of failure and of not being liked have affected me there too. I shut people out, shut them down before I can fail, before I discover that they may not like me. But what I have realized in all my rants about why God has left me single for so long is this: It doesn't really matter.

That's right. It doesn't really matter why I'm single. It wouldn't really matter if I wasn't. My goal here would be the same. God picked me and created me with a voice, with a purpose. Sometimes it doesn't seem as evident as it does right now... but today I will choose to follow through. I can't tell you why me... why I was picked to live this life and why you were picked to live yours. But we all have something Godly to offer, and every life is connected to every other. What I do or don't do affects people in ways that I can't fully understand. But Jesus understood. He understood the consequences of the cross long before I could have even questioned his decision. My life is connected to His, just as my life is now connected to yours through this blog.

So my prayer today is just that He will disturb me. I want Him to disturb me in my comfort. I want Him to disturb me in my nonchalance. I want Him to disturb me in my complacency. I want Him to disturb me in my spiritual piety. I want Him to disturb me to dream bigger... to leave the safety of shore to meet Him on the raging sea. Because you can't walk on water if you never leave the boat...

Girls: The Mystery Unveiled - Part 2

"Sometimes it's hard to be a woman..." -Tammy Wynette

If you missed Part One, go back and read it. Because now we're on to Part Two.

In all honesty, I might be skipping about 1 million other topics that might should have gone in front of this one, but this is on my heart and is so overlooked that I don't feel the series can continue until this is out in the open.

In Part Two of Andy Merrick's series Why Guys Aren't Asking You Out, he mentions that guys aren't asking girls out because of their vast immaturity. (OK, OK. Yes, he said immaturity. I added the vast part. Sue me.) Anyway, the funny thing is, most girls aren't lonely because guys aren't asking them out. Girls are lonely because they're waaaaaay out of touch with their hearts. Yes, I'll explain. Read on...

Sorry Tammy, there's no sometimes about it... it's just plain hard to be a woman. Everytime I begin to think about the woman I should be, my mind automatically drifts off to the vision of "The Proverbs 31 Woman." She's beautiful. She's sweet. She's irritatingly perfect. Her life is so busy that I wonder when she has time for a career or for friendships or for reading those trashy romance novels. Her light never goes out at night?? When does she have sex? If that was the only picture of a woman I was ever given, I could never live up to that! And I don't think that a sense of failure is very Godly at all.

I know that I am not alone in my sense of failing to live up to expectations. In fact, so many of you who read my blog have commented and sent me e-mails just to tell me stories of your insecurities or your sense of failure. It seems like the only thing common to all women is a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. And this doesn't mean we feel like a failure at what we do... we feel like a failure at who we are. We go through these insane stages of being too much and not enough at the same time... not pretty enough, not thin enough, not nice enough, not disciplined enough. But then we're too emotional, too clingy, too independent, too opinionated. It's INSANE!! And in all our trying to measure up, we've forgotten the most important thing of all - our hearts.

In the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, they offer nuggets of wisdom that are far beyond the scope of my little blog. But they absolutely nail down the three things every woman's heart longs for: romance, adventure, and beauty. Think about the all the movies that have been so sensitively dubbed by guys as "chick flicks." Don't they include all of these things? Is there a chick flick out there that doesn't include some form of a handsome prince coming to rescue his beloved? It's the absolute truth! Most of the problems women have in relationships (and the lack thereof) stem from these three things... or rather from a lack of, perversion of, or ignorance of these three things.

The deep longings of a woman's heart have been written there by God Himself, telling us something about what it means to be a woman. Whatever it is we feel like we are - or aren't - it's important to remember that we, too, are created in the image of God as women. Genesis says "male and female He created them." So whatever our longing are, whatever our desires are, whatever we're meant to do or be... our hearts were purposefully created as a reflection of God's own heart.

Over the years, women learn to supress their deepest longings because it just doesn't seem possible. Some of these desires have long since gone unmet. Some have been assaulted... or even neglected. The result is the same... women end up living two lives. On the surface we're busy, efficient, quiet, funny, sweet, professional. We're getting by, attempting to be all things to all people. We accept dates from any man who shows an interest. But on the inside, women are losing themselves in fantasy worlds, cheap novels, food, or some other addiction that was manifested to numb the ache of our longing hearts.

So what I wish I could tell you Andy (and women everywhere) is this: women aren't lonely because guys aren't asking them out. See, I have this theory that until I find "The One," every guy I go out with will end up a jerk. But it's not because he really was a jerk... it's because my heart wasn't ready. I have spent a lot of my time working on my heart, and here's what I can offer...

Guys, if you don't know how to communicate with a girl, take this advice: Make her a priority. It really doesn't matter where the dates are or how much money you have. It doesn't matter so much about your family background or how clean your car is. What matters is how much of a priority you have made her. Girls want to be pursued (and not in that creepy-stalker sort of way), and an honest word will go a long way.

Girls, if you're not going on lots of dates, it might be time for a heart check-up. Please don't misunderstand me... I don't believe that a woman MUST have a man in order to fulfill her destiny as a woman. But I know how my single heart yearns, and I know that I'm not the only one. It's time to quit wondering why guys aren't asking us out and start identifying what our priorities are. Is it more important to go on a date... or to go on the right date with the right person? If I have to wait a few more Friday nights before Prince Godsend finds me, so be it.

So I guess that loneliness, like so many other things, is what you make it. Until next time...

Oh, the Soapbox...

It's been a while, but it's that time again... time for me to get on my soapbox!! I know lots of you were expecting my next installment of "Girls: The Mystery Unveiled." I certainly have plans to do that later this week. I'm... uh... still getting my research together. (Yeah, that's it.) Anyway, here are the soapbox topics for today: Attitudes in the Workplace, Government Health Care, and Global Warming. So, without any further ado...

TOPIC 1: ATTITUDES IN THE WORKPLACE

(DISCLAIMER: I am not writing this to offend any of my workplace readers, and I cannot point fingers at anyone because I, too, am guilty of some of these offensive attitudes.)

Everyone has bad days. Believe me, I get it. There are days when everyone is stressed out. There are days when we're all sick and tired of seeing each other more than we see our families or friends. I GET IT. But here's the thing: There is a business to run, whether we like it or not. I don't always love my job. Heck, I don't always like my job. But I do like (and even love) having a job. And I like having a safe, calm, pleasant place to work.

Unfortunately that's not always the case. There are those days when tempers rear their ugly heads and everyone's walking on eggshells so as not to offend anyone and, in turn, reap the unpleasant consequences. Add the tension on top of zero staff meetings, high-stress, and an office full of women. Sounds like the Perfect Storm to me.

Not all of you work in an office full of women. Some of you work in a huge company with lots of different people around. Some of you work in restaurants or hospitals or even at home. But the thing is, ALL OF US are stressed out MOST OF THE TIME. The workplace is never ideal because it's a pretty rare thing when someone says, "You know, I really love being over-worked and under-paid. I think I'll go get me a minimum-wage, high-stress job in an office full of women (or men or lawyers or whatever else you can think of)." We don't live to work... we work to live. (You know, I actually stole that phrase from Jillian Michaels on The Biggest Loser, except I'm pretty sure she said we shouldn't live to EAT, we should EAT to live. I'm also pretty sure she's full of it.)

Anyway, to all of you out there who are just working to live... to those who have "just a job"... all I'm asking is this: Give the rest of us a break. There are actually some of us who aren't working here just to live. For some of us, this is not "just a job"... it's our career. We chose it because, in obvious contrast to your personal feelings about it, we actually like the work. Or we used to... before you starting whining and complaining about every little thing, making fun of others, or just flat-out refusing to do things that you just don't feel like doing. So while you roll in about 9am, mentally check in about noon, and leave at five, some of us don't. It might be just a job to you, but remember that the more pleasant you are, the better your references are for your next job. And don't be afraid to start looking for your perfect job... and probably sooner rather than later or else the rest of us might be tempted to throw you out a window. No offense.

TOPIC 2: GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE

Please let me start this topic off by saying that I love rich people. They've always been nice enough to give me a job. The problem I'm having now is that there aren't going to be very many rich people left if the government can help it. Maybe that's putting it a little bluntly, but isn't that the real truth? Isn't the point of most government-sponsored programs to equalize the divide between the poor and the rich? Problem is, if we're all equal, WHO OFFERS THE JOBS??

Before you judge me, please know that I have spent a lot of my hard-earned money to provide food stamps, Medicare, and WIC to people in my own family. My opinion here is no respecter of persons. It's not that I don't want everyone to have adequate medical care; I do. I just don't think it's my job to provide it for them. I know so many of you are thinking that the government-sponsored health care program won't affect me, but you couldn't be more wrong.

I work for a small company of about 25 employees. 15 of those are independent contractors, responsible for paying their own taxes and providing themselves with their own insurance. They also make a LOT more than I do. 5 of those are part-time employees. The other 10 of us are making a lower hourly wage than many others in our same field, but we have full medical and dental insurance coverage. If the government sponsored health care plan passes, my employer will be required (not given the option) to either a) provide medical coverage to every employee equal to that which the government offers or b) pay a 6% payroll tax "to support Health Care for America" (taken from http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/healthcare/a/nathealthplan.htm).

I don't know about your employer, but we hire independent workers and part-time employees because we can't always afford to provide the high insurance premiums or the high taxes to hire folks full-time. We're a small company... you do the math. More taxes or higher insurance premiums will mean fewer jobs that can be offered. And that's not OK with me.

But wait... there's more! Here's what the program offers me and you: "For persons already covered by employer-provided health insurance, Health Care for America would virtually eliminate the suddenly very real threat of losing coverage because of layoffs." How would it do that, you ask? Well by "requiring that Americans who remain without insurance either purchase private coverage or buy into the Health Care for America Plan." Wow... so when or if you lose your job or quit working for whatever reason, your government will require that you either PURCHASE your own private insurance or PURCHASE insurance from the government. What a deal!

It scares me the length that our government will go to in order to get our money. We already are paying 20+% in income taxes, 7-10% in sales taxes, and thousands more in gasoline taxes to drive to work, ad velorum taxes to purchase a tag for our vehicle that we use to get to work, and even death taxes when we've finally had enough. It's insane! Do we even keep any of our money??

TOPIC 3: GLOBAL WARMING

I hesitate to write much on this subject because I know it's so touchy, but then I figured that the only people reading this far are the ones that I didn't previously offend with my government-sponsored health care tirade. So, what the heck. I'll continue...

I do not believe global warming exists. At least not man-made global warming. OK, go ahead. Call me crazy. I can wait... OK, anyway, for those of you still with me, I'm moving on.

Consider this: The government (my favorite topic of the day!) has issued new legislature that requires (again, no options here) companies to reduce carbon emissions to a certain point or else face high taxes and penalities. OK, I really shouldn't have to go here, but some of you still don't get the point... If global warming is a serious threat (and is there any other kind of threat?) and if you TRULY believe that global warming is causing serious, irreversible damage to the planet and to humankind in general... then at what point will taxes and monetary penalities be OK? If you really believe that global warming is true, WHY would buying carbon credits get you out of the hole? If it's truly the threat that you believe it is, there would be no amount of money that would "correct" the problem or otherwise cause you to look the other way.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I'm too conservative. Maybe I think too much. Whatever you believe about me is your opinion, and that's fine by me. My words are by no means gospel. But I do know this: God never intended for us to live this way... offending each other, criticizing each other, hurting each other. If someone is in ligitimate need, we should help him! We should encourage him! We should give him the tools necessary to allow him to provide for himself. But we should not provide it for him. Otherwise, we begin to breed an entire generation of people who are content with handouts instead of hard work.

Girls: The Mystery Unveiled - Part 1

So I'm hooked on a blog. It's not just any blog... it's Andy Merrick. OK, seriously I have no idea who that is. I know only a little about his story. I have never met him. Ever. But I came across a link to his blog via an old friend's facebook page (see Mom, facebook really is good for information!) and began reading. And now I can't stop.

Anyway, I won't go into Andy's life story (mostly because I don't really know it), but I have been absolutely intrigued by his series "Why Guys Aren't Asking You Out." He's up to like 12 parts of the series, but it's enthralling stuff, I swear. It's so enthralling and enlightening that I've decided to do the obvious: counter it with a series of my own. So for the next few weeks I will be writing a series called "Girls: The Mystery Unveiled." First things first, you'll need to beef up on Andy's material... read the series here: http://blog.andymerrick.com/?p=134.

I also offer up the same disclaimer: I don't claim that my information is flawless or even correct. But I am a girl, and I can offer up a few tidbits on decoding our species. I will probably spend a good amount of time countering points that Andy has made... or maybe explaining them away in terms that even the biggest bonehead can grasp. Hey, everyone has a story to tell. So here it is...

All The Single Ladies: Same Saturday Night... Different POV
While Andy's scenario appears simple enough, women know that nothing is ever as simple as it seems. So what's the real truth? I woke up waaay to early on Saturday morning... a leftover symptom of "I have a real job" that just won't go away. I took that much-needed trip to the gym to work off the family-sized bag of M&Ms I had for dinner last night. About 2 minutes into my workout on the elliptical machine, I cast a sideways glance at the pint-sized, sweat-free Olympic sprinter working out next to me and secretly vow to never be photographed next to her. I spend the majority of the rest of the afternoon lounging on the couch, watching sappy movies on Lifetime and making another secret vow to not let anyone else know what I did all afternoon. Around 4pm, I start calling around to see what the rest of the girls are doing and, after learning that everyone else sat around watching sappy Lifetime movies all afternoon, decide that I'm not as much of a loser as I thought I was. I invite some of the girls over to hang out later and then head to the nearest Publix to grab whichever bottle of white wine has the most expensive-looking label. The girls come over and we drink wine... some from actual wine glasses and some from plastic cups when the four wine glasses have already been claimed. We talk about our work schedules, what's going on with our churches or our families, and discuss any juicy gossip we might have picked up during the week. At some point I'm sure someone asks about the hot new eye doctor working nearby or how things are going with the new guy that so-and-so is dating. And then we talk about anything but guys.

Weird, huh? Don't get me wrong... any girl loves to hear about a hot available guy. But girls aren't talking about you at parties. It's complicated, but explainable in two parts:

Girls aren't talking about you at parties because we don't want to offend other girls. There's a weird, unspoken rule among mostly-single girl circles: We stick together. This is especially true of girls who have been single a long time. Or girls who haven't. OK, it's just a weird thing, I guess. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that when a group of single girls is together, the subject of guys is broached with lots of caution. If one of the girls has recently started seeing someone seriously, it can be a sore subject among other girls who wish that they were seeing someone seriously. Or it can be a serious annoyance to girls who are no longer seeing someone seriously. Unless everyone in the room is single and looking, most of the subject of guys is avoided. As strange as it sounds, girl time is pretty riddled with rules.

But the second reason that we just aren't talking about you is because girls are mental multi-taskers at all times. Let's think about guys and girls in computer programmer's terms: Guys are one-task-minded. They open Microsoft Word, type a letter, and then close Microsoft Word. Task accomplished. Window closed. Once that window is closed, he can move on to the next task. I don't mean to imply that guys are... well... simple-minded (which may or may not be the case). It's intriguing to me how nothing else exists while there's a task on a guy's brain.

In contrast, a woman's mind has several "windows" open all at once... just all minimized at the bottom of the screen. And the windows stay open until the task is completed. In any given day, the single girl's brain might go something like this: Make sure to pay the rent today. Don't forget that Jacie's birthday is Thursday. Did I forget to unplug the iron? My driver's license expires next week. I really need a pedicure. What's on my agenda at work today? I really need to stick to my gym schedule.... and so on and so forth. And it's all up and running until a task is accomplished and the window is closed. It's exhausting. Seriously.

The reason all this is important is because even if a girl wants to gush about a new guy she met or about how hot Bobby looks in his new jeans, she just doesn't. She still thinks it, but it's just another open window. There's plenty of other, girl-safe windows open to chat about.

What's the Point?
The point is... we're different. Girls try really hard to make things look seamless, flawless, easy. But they're not. We're pretending. We go absolutely pee-pants over a guy's attention, but we work hard to make it seems like it's an everyday occurrence.

And (for lack of a more original term) as jokey as this is... I'm really serious about understanding things too. Andy has great insight. He is open and honest about what guys are thinking and feeling (or not feeling). I'm sure I'll gain some momentum just like he did. I don't know it all and I don't know who even reads this... but it's fun. And educational. Mostly.

Keep reading... girls are more than loyal to each other. We're more than just what meets the eye. And who knows? Maybe Andy or I will stumble upon some jewel of relationship wisdom. Maybe God Himself will finally! reveal the mysteries of the sexes to us. But no matter what, stay tuned. It'll be a fun ride.

Sweet Release

I can't believe it's July already! It's been so long since I blogged that I thought for my first post in a while I'd share some of the actual strengths of my Godly singleness... especially since I tend to focus on the struggles of Godly singleness. A lot. In any event, it's a wonderful day and I have wonderful thoughts in my head. Read on!...

I have spent many, many nights pondering my life situation. You know... the fearful feeling in the pit of your stomach that you're missing the point. Everyone has it at some time or another, I think. Anyway, lots of times I look at what's going on in my life and just imagine God sitting up on the throne, gazing sadly (and maybe amusingly?) at what's going on around me. Then He'll give a little chuckle and say, "Oh, Blair! You're missing the point!!" When it comes to Godly singleness, am I really missing the point?

I had a long talk with myself not long ago. And I asked myself a few questions: What if I never get married? What if I never have a family of my own? What if this is all there is?? I'm sure you can guess my answer... My God will take care of me. Yes, it's the recurring motto of my life. It's recurring mostly because I have to keep reminding myself that God really is in control. Only this time, when I really thought about my life and what it's all about... if this is really all that ever happens to me... my heart automatically answered with "my God will take care of me." And this time, surprisingly, I really believed it!

I know, I know... you're probably thinking that I certainly must have believed it all along. Especially the way I carry on and on about it. But it's not true. Sometimes I don't believe it. Sometimes I don't believe Him. Sometimes I don't believe that things are OK or that I have a plan or a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I barely exist... it's like I'm just sort of drifting on the periphery. Flying just below the radar. I'm hard to forget but impossible to remember.

But then I began reading He Chose the Nails by Max Lucado, and something heavenly happened. God actually spoke to me. Personally. I wasn't flying below His radar, and He really needed to be stern with me. Seriously, it was time. You know, I think it's universal to all of us that we feel like we're having the WORST day or the WORST week or the WORST life. We think that no one can possibly understand how we feel or what we're going through. Least of all, Jesus. Oh, but it's sooooo not true, and thank the Good Lord above that He finally talked some sense into me!!

See, here's the thing. Jesus got depressed. OK, I seriously don't know why this thought has escaped me for all of my 28 years, but it's really true. When He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before the betrayal, Jesus was praying to God and the Bible says He was deeply distressed. He wasn't just stressed... He was distressed. He was confused. He was worried. He was scared. His friends couldn't stay awake for Him, and at the first hint of danger, they abandoned Him. They didn't just turn their backs on Him; they literally ran away from Him. They denied even knowing Him. They hid so they didn't even have to face questions from people who might have seen them hanging around Jesus. One even sold Him off for a few bucks. And I thought girls were backstabbers... Anyway, Jesus has been there. He has felt alone, just like me. And you.

But wait! There's more... Jesus not only got depressed, Jesus prayed to God and didn't get what He wanted!! OK, I don't know if you're sitting there in disbelief like I was, but it's a word from God that' s just too big to miss! In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was praying for God to "take this cup from me." He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be in pain. He didn't want to follow God's will. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. And it certainly didn't come without suffering or pain. But He did it anyway. How many times have I prayed for something and God just flat out told me no? I mean, Jesus didn't get everything He wanted from God. How could I expect any different??

So here's the strength that I've found in my Godly singleness: I'm really OK. If this is all that happens... If I die next week never having been married or having any children; working two jobs; driving my old, chipped-paint car... If nothing else substantial ever happens... MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME.

Oh, I'll keep asking for what I want. Only now I'm learning to be content with what He gives.

How Good is Good Enough?

You know that guy best friend you have? The only one who has seen you in your glasses and sweats with dirty hair and no makeup? Yeah, well, I have two. And they are the bestest of the best guy friends a girl could ever ask for! I am so, so, so lucky to have them. But then there comes that day when...

duh, duh, dum

... they meet a girl. And she's cute and she's funny and she's irritatingly perfect. And deep down you know she's probably just as great as he thinks she is because he wouldn't date her otherwise. But when it comes your best friend's girlfriend, how good is good enough? Because it would be really hard for me to handpick a girlfriend for J Mac... and even harder to pick one for True Love. And seriously, nobody yet has been good enough. Nobody.

But then I realize that it must be just as hard for them as it is for me... those moments when something seems so great on paper, but you know it just isn't quite right... the moments when you realize that no matter how badly you wish for it to work out, it just doesn't. It's tough for me, and sometimes I tend to discount how hard it must be for J Mac and True Love when the same thing happens to them.

It's never easy when God says "not yet." I'd much rather Him just tell me yes or no... black or white... open or closed. But in my experience, God's answers always come in His time. And very rarely do God and I run on the same clock. And what's so funny about the whole life experience is that everything we want seems to be just outside the realm of possibility...

A man (or, in the guys' case, a woman) you love desperately but can never be with.
A fabulous job in a fabulous city that you aren't quite qualified for.
An apology or forgiveness that you're too embarrassed to offer or receive.

But I've got some life experience too... from God, from my friends, and from my blog readers... and if I was to give the guys some advice, this would be it:

1) Don't worry. It's WAAAAAY easier said than done, but it's much easier when put in the proper perspective. Your God WILL take care of you. Yes, you might have a broken heart. Yes, you might be buried under mountains of stress. Yes, you might have temporarily lost sight of the goal. But what's great about God is that nothing we go through is a surprise to Him. He's not sitting on the throne, scratching His head, wondering where we went wrong. He has a plan. He sees a much bigger picture. And just because He's allowing a life-valley doesn't mean He wants you to dismiss the scenery.

2) Get a life. Yep, you heard me exactly right. Get a life. And get a good one. The way I figure it, you better get busy living or get busy dying. And the choice is easy, really, because we're all already dying. So you better live while you have the chance. Take the trip you've been meaning to take for a while. Strike up a conversation with the sad-looking, tired-and-worn-out cashier working the midnight shift at the Wal-Mart. Work hard and establish yourself. Volunteer. Make yourself proud of you. But don't sit around waiting on your life to change itself. Very rarely does something great fall from the ceiling of your apartment.

3) Learn to be okay alone. If there was a single-best life lesson I've learned, it's this one. And it's a hard lesson to learn, but if you think anything of any value comes at an easy price, you're dead wrong. Seek God. Pray to Him. A lot. It's the only thing that will get you through the valley. In fact, it's the only thing that will get you through anything. It's the only thing that ever has. And then, when you're ready, ask yourself the question you've been avoiding for most of your 20-something years...

If this is all that ever happens to me... if I never get another job or get married or have children... if this is all that life has to offer... am I really okay?

The answer might surprise you.

Exhaustivated

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Exhaustivated.

This has been the worst week... I'm so glad it's Friday!! Monday night I ended up having to work until 1am!! What is THAT craziness?? But hellllooooooo fat overtime check! Tuesday I had an eye appointment, which actually really wasn't that bad. It helps that my eye doctor is a mega-hottie. With a smokin' hot wife. And 4-year old twins. *Sigh* Then I had to work late into the night Tuesday night only to have my training class cancel Wednesday!! I finally got some good sleep Wednesday night, but Thursday I had to rush home to watch the Bean and her little-man-friend while my sister went to a job interview. THEY WERE TERRIBLE!! Nothing helped!! Not clean diapers... not bottles or baby food... not singing or rocking. I seriously can see how kids get that Shaken Baby Syndrome. And then my sister told me that she backed into my car on the way to her interview!!! It just doesn't get any better than this...

Next week it looks like I'll be hanging out in Bullock County. Stay tuned.

Things I've learned this week? Only one: The blog falls by the wayside when the hours at work are long and the work is... well, exhaustivating.

Bad Decisions

WHY IS IT SO DARN HARD TO BE SINGLE?!?!

I can already hear some of you laughing and snickering to yourselves. Especially those of you who might wish you were single... but that's a blog for another time, another place.

I made a bad decision yesterday. And just before you start laughing and snickering again... YES, I make bad decisions every day I'm sure. Or at least a couple times a week. Just most of the time, my bad decisions have to do with eating one more cookie or sleeping in instead of getting up on time for work. This one might take this week's cake.

I e-mailed the Man-Child.

Yes, I imaged the scary music playing too.

But instead of going on and on about my bad decisions and the ways I wish God would make it all up to me, I'm just going to head back to the old school. Way back when, I used to post lists of things I had learned. Time to get back to basics...

So this time around, here's my list: Things I Have Learned About Singleness

1) It gets lonely. I know about half of you are thinking Duh! while the other half is feeling some combination of pity and sympathy. Please don't look at me with the puppy-dog eyes. It's not that bad.

2) It's hard to find really good friends who are in the same life-place, BUT those friends are for-lifers. It's bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.

3) People quit asking you when you're going to get married or have children because by this point they've already decided that you're much more interested in your career than in having a family. It's sooooo not true, but it seems to be the norm.

4) Careers are easier to establish, take seriously, and manage. It's funny to hear myself say it, but I have a career. It's like making a lifetime commitment to be able to provide for myself. I'm in a line of work that I'm sure I'll be doing until that day comes where I can't work anymore (and I'll be praisin' Him all the way home that day!)... and that's a loooonnng time to love what you do!

5) MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. Are we sensing a theme here? I know it seems like I bring this up a lot, but I feel like someone reading this (ahem... besides myself) needs to hear it as much as I do! I could read all of the When God Writes Your Love Story stories ever written, but it doesn't mean as much to me as knowing... and I mean REALLY knowing... that my God will take care of me. So I have to keep reminding myself that He's enough. He was enough in high school when I didn't have a date to my senior prom. He was enough all the way through college when my friends were meeting their husbands and marrying their true loves. He was enough when I broke it off with the Golfer and the Engineer and the Man-Child, all because He couldn't approve. And He's still enough. Still today. Still tomorrow. Still next week. And if I'm lucky enough to find a Godly man and someday marry him, my God will still be enough.

And that's the best thing of all about being single. I know that I know that I know that my God will take care of me. No matter what, He's enough.

I've had enough of living life for only me,

and reaching just for the things that keep destroying me.

So sick of envying the lives of so many I see,

somehow believing that they have what I need.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You.

Those who deny You - oh, they have it better than I do.

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only You mean anything.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

Who have I in heaven but You?

Nothing I desire but You.

My heart may fail, but not You.

You are mine forever.

Who have I but You?

-Psalm 73 (My God's Enough) by BarlowGirl

The Best Days

Happy Good Friday, faithful readers! I hope that everyone is very much looking forward to this Easter season. I know some of us (ahem... me) have been struggling with God and His purpose and His plan and His timing. And I know some of us (ahem... me) have been trying to hide the fact that we're mad at God about one thing or another and we're putting on a front with Him. (It doesn't work, by the way, but we're doing it nonetheless.) Some of us (ahem... me) are praying and speaking to Him and going about everyday life as if nothing has changed. The funny thing is, though... I still speak to Him as if everything's OK. I STILL SPEAK TO HIM.

How mad can I really be, I ask you? Sometimes I don't even make sense to myself.

But no matter how angry I am or how impatient I am or how stubborn I am... I still believe. One of my favorite verses in the entire Bible is in Isaiah... what a marvelous book filled with hidden gems of Godly wisdom! Read it, and search for His hidden promises and purposes. And then read it again... He'll surprise you every time! Anyway, my one of my all-time favs is Isaiah 43:10... "You are My witnesses," declares the LORD, "and My servants whom I have chosen so that you may know and BELIEVE ME and know that I am He."

This is one of the only times that I'm aware of where God says "BELIEVE ME." Consider the wording there... he says "BELIEVE ME." Not "believe IN me." This scripture is NOT for the faint of faith. It doesn't even apply to those who are wishy-washy, always doubting and wondering if God is really there. There are LOTS of verses that apply to those people... ones to help you in your doubt and to comfort you in your loneliness.

But folks, this ain't it.

Why is this one so different? Well, because God implies that we already believe IN him. We already believe that He exists. This is a passage from the Old Testament... pre-Jesus, pre-salvation, pre-fellowship in Heaven. There was a lot of sin and a lot of war and a lot of seemingly empty promises from God for the Jews. And it's human nature (ahem... my nature) to think that God is somehow holding out on us. That there's something we're somehow entitled to that we're not getting already.

And God is saying that He chose Isaiah and the Jews because He wanted His people to BELIEVE HIM. That's a big task. I don't know if you've ever said something like, "It will happen, believe me." That's what God is saying... BELIEVE ME. I will free you, BELIEVE ME. I will take care of you, BELIEVE ME. I will provide for you, BELIEVE ME. I will do what's best for you, BELIEVE ME. I AM GOD... BELIEVE WHAT I'M TELLING YOU! In other words, I chose YOU to KNOW ME and to TRUST ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how my God will take care of me. It's easy to say... hard to believe. I've been struggling with the believing part. But here it is, in black-and-white, doesn't get any plainer... I CHOSE YOU TO BELIEVE ME. And to be a witness to the glory of it all. Now, if God is God... and we already believe IN Him... and He chose ME to BELIEVE HIM and to BE A WITNESS... doesn't He trap Himself into doing what He says He will do? Wow! What an amazing way for God to speak to me this weekend...

He was pierced for our transgressions.

He was crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

We are healed by Your sacrifice

And the life that You gave.

We are healed for You paid the price.

By Your grace we are saved.

We are saved.

He was pierced for our transgressions,

Crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

The Mask Comes Off

Well friends, I have debated long and hard about this day. I have spent so many years of my life only doing and saying the things that I think will make me seem put-together and popular. As of late, I've been remembering some of the things I should have done better or differently but didn't because I would have seemed weak or unpopular or frazzled. And I hate those things.

But today is a new day. The mask is coming off... so to speak. Does this mean that I'm ready to bear all of my deep, dark secrets for all of you out there? Probably not. But it is a change in perspective, a new transparency I've always wanted to have. And I'm finally ready to share my life with you. With all of you. Because if my life... and I mean my real life... can help someone or teach someone or comfort someone in some small way that I might never see, then that's what I need to do. I can't say that it will all be worth it because I don't know that it will be. I'm a defender of my life... I don't have it all together sometimes and I haven't always been the popular one. I might not be even now...

I am really mad at God and I'm finding it so easy to become mediocre in my walk with Him. And let's face it, aside from a few sporadic high points, I can usually find it very easy to become mediocre in my walk. But the trouble is that I go through these periods of time where I just don't care. I'm in one of those now. I just don't care that I'm mediocre. I don't want to take the time I should to read and study the Word. I'm exhausted. And sometimes it's actually refreshing to be ordinary in my faith. I can feel God's seething disappointment in me as I write this.

For most of my life, I've been different. I'm usually the "smart one" that everybody wants on their Trivial Pursuit team. Well, everyone except for TrueLove, that is, especially after that whole Panama Canal incident. I'm "smart." And sometimes that's worse than being "popular." Smart people know what I'm talking about. You get taken for granted. You end up doing other people's work because theirs might be "correct" but yours is "outstanding." People automatically assume you can figure it out. You can know what other people expect of you before they even ask. Smart. You almost have to spit to even say that word.

Even though there are MUCH worse things to be than "smart," I'm never "pretty." In most of today's society, you can't be both. Or so it seems. They even had a reality show about that one time... oh, what was it called?... ummm.... oh, right! America's Most Smartest Model. WHAT THE CRAP?!?!

I'm jealous. Not of America's Most Smartest Model. I'm jealous of pretty people. Pretty, skinny people. People who can wear two-piece bathings suits and not have kids running away and screaming in horror. But my jealousy doesn't stop there. I'm jealous of married people and people in loving, committed, serious relationships. I'm jealous of single women with fabulous single friends. I'm jealous of women with blond hair, women with brown hair, and women with red hair. I'm jealous of women with children. I'm jealous of women who can walk into the Gap and pick up a pair of jeans off the rack and wear them!! I'm jealous of women who get attention for all the wrong reasons and I'm jealous of women who get attention for all of the right ones. I'm jealous of Godly women and I'm jealous of women who are experiencing favor without doing any of the work it's supposed to take to get there!

And I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be smart because I can't be pretty. And there's just one thing that I've learned lately that's worthy of a spot on my list...

1) You CAN experience favor, even if you're living outside the will of God. Will the eternal rewards be as sweet? Probably not. But how long am I supposed to wait on Him?? Forever seems like too much for Him to ask...

10-1

OK, so I'm really sorry that I haven't posted before now. I know, I'm an undedicated blog-slacker. I'm sure you forgive me... just as I would you if you happened to be an undedicated blog-slacker. :)

So I love lists. I'm sure you've figured this out by now. I really think that it's entirely possible to categorize life in a series of lists. (Wow, saying that out loud sounds really sad...) Anyway, I stole this from Erin Carey's facebook page. If you don't know her, you should. She rocks. And this "list" is fun. For me, anyway...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Others but Sometimes Don't

10. It's really not the crisis you're making it out to be.
9. I don't have time to chit-chat with you.
8. I'm sure you'll get over it.
7. That outfit really doesn't look good on you.
6. I'm angry with you.
5. I don't think I can do what you want me to do.
4. I wish I were a better friend.
3. I'm only nice to you because I would feel bad if I wasn't.
2. Why don't you call me?
1. I love you.

Nine Things About Myself

9. I will wear a pair of jeans at least 6 times before I wash them.
8. I am deathly afraid of Kevin Bacon.
7. I could eat pizza every day.
6. I have a butt-shelf.
5. I am terribly inconsistent.
4. I love my own handwriting.
3. I laugh at my own jokes more than other people laugh at them.
2. I don't believe in multi-tasking.
1. I think it should be a law that people have to have a dog before they can have a kid.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart

8. Mean What You Say
7. Sing Karaoke
6. Impress My Friends
5. Make Me Laugh
4. Buy Me Tulips
3. Hold My Hand
2. Stick Up For Me
1. Love My Family

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

7. The Engineer
6. Where Has My Money Gone?!
5. Auburn Friends
4. Prayer Requests
3. Song Lyrics
2. Lunch
1. My Nieces

Six (Groups of?) People Who Are Important To Me

6. My Nieces
5. My Sisters
4. My Parents
3. My Birmingham Friends
2. My Co-Workers
1. My Auburn Friends

Five Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep

5. Brush My Teeth
4. Take My Medicine
3. Chat With Jesus
2. Mentally Picture Tomorrow's Wardrobe
1. Watch TV

Four Things You're Wearing Right Now

4. Auburn Sweatpants
3. Undies
2. A Shirt I Bought at "The Reef" on Choir Tour in like 2001?
1. Contact

Three Artists That You Listen To Often

3. Sara Bareilles
2. Dave Barnes
1. Taylor Swift

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die

2. Get Married
1. Have "Enough" Money

One Confession

I'm one of those people who will only do things she can do well.