I found a MAJOR blip on my credit report on Monday, and IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT.
I managed to single-handedly crash the e-mail systems of TWO companies on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I got the e-mail working but crashed the website.
Today is Thursday... stay tuned.
I woke up at 1:01am this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread and impending doom. A year or so ago I went through this same thing... every night for a week I would wake up at exactly 4:08am with this crushing fear running through me. It's unexplainable how I would wake up at the exact same time EVERY NIGHT, but I was there. I can swear to you that's it true. It truly was something I will never forget. A year ago I mentioned this sleep-deprivation-fiasco to my former college roomie, and she made a profound statement... It sounds like God is trying to tell you something, just like Samuel. When you wake up tonight, just start praying. Wow... why didn't I think of that??
So I did what she asked, only I had absolutely no idea what to pray for... and it seemed a little too much to ask for me to sit up in bed when I'm paralyzed by this irrational sense of fear and say, "Here I am, God. Speak, for your servant is listening." So I just prayed for anything and anyone who came to my mind. Maybe someone else was in danger and needed my prayers. Maybe I was in some sort of danger. I honestly have no idea. But I can tell you this... as I prayed, tears were streaming down my face. I don't know why, except that I had this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen and God was my only refuge. It was strange and lovely all at the same time. And the next night, I didn't wake up at 4:08am. It hasn't happened since, although the experience has never been far from my mind.
And then last night I woke up at 1:01am with that all-too-familiar, gut-wrenching, overwhelming fear. So it doesn't seem like a coincidence anymore that this week's Esther study was all about fear. It was an amazing video lesson this week and has really made me think about some things. I promise I'll get back to the 1:01am story, but indulge me for just a moment while I go through this. Maybe then my 1:01am fear-party won't seem so out of place...
I can't imagine NOT living in fear. Not the gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear I woke with last night, but I just mean fear in general. Small fear. Insignificant fear. Fear of failure. Fear that I will be alone forever. Fear that I am making all the wrong decisions. Fear that I might lose someone in my family. Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that people won't like me. Friends, if you're reading this and NOT identifying with me, then you must be made of pure steel. But here's the rub...
Whatever it is that I'm most afraid of, Satan is already onto it. He uses my fear to cripple me BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT WORKS! And it works on all of us because if it didn't, we wouldn't be afraid anymore. I know that might seem like a bit of a Catch-22, but it's not really. And 75% of the time, the things I'm most afraid of happening never happen. But I fear that they might happen. And Satan threatens me with the mights. What if... What if... What if... Beth Moore taught me that "what IF" turns into I Fear... Wow, how true this is.
But it's not enough for me to trust God to not let the things I'm most afraid of never happen to me. Does that make sense? Put a different way: It's not real trust if I only trust Him to keep me from my fears. That's conditional trust. God, I trust you to never let those horrible things happen to me. But friends... WHAT IF THOSE THINGS HAPPEN?? We can't have conditional trust because it allows us an out, and that's no good. God doesn't want us to trust Him to not let the bad things happen. He wants us to TRUST HIM... no matter what.
Think of the very worst thing that you think could ever happen to you, and then fill in the blanks here: IF THIS ______________________________, THEN ____________________________. Really think about it. If this really awful thing happens to me... if my family dies... if my husband leaves me... if I never get married... then what? What will happen to you? I like to say things like, "If I never get married, I will just DIE." But would I really? I'd be heartbroken. I'd be understandably lonely. I'd probably be mean as a snake for a while. But would I DIE? Probably not. And why?? BECAUSE MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. And he'll take care of you too!
So now my blanks read IF THIS ___________________________, THEN MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. It really can't read any other way. SO WHAT IS THERE REALLY TO FEAR??
So this morning at 1:01am, when I was so fear-stricken that I didn't really think my brain would even work properly, with images of huge men entering our home, with thoughts of my family be taken during the night... all I could think to say was "My God will take care of me." And I repeated it over and over and over and over until I could go back to sleep. And you know what? It's as true this morning as it was last night. No matter what.
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years.
And sometimes the sky rains night after night... when will it clear?
But our hope endures the worst of conditions.
It's more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake... our hope is unchanged.
Emmanuel, God is with us.
El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.
Emmanuel, God is with us.
El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.
Emmanuel, God is with us.
El Shaddai, All-Sufficient.
-Natalie Grant
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