Lost

It's a strange concept to me... lost. It's definitely NOT a destination. You've planned a near-perfect route and you're cruising along when all of a sudden... WHAM! You're lost. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find the turn you took that steered you so far off course. But it happens to the best of us, and I'm feeling pretty lost today. There are three very distinct reasons why. Read on (if you dare)...

1) "God has someone special out there for you."

Now, I realize that it might sound just a bit pretentious and maybe even just plain insane that this uplifting little statement could make me feel absolutely lost. But in all honesty, I think if I hear this phrase spoken to me one more time, I seriously might yak in someone's face. (Yes, please consider this a warning.) I am at an age where just about everyone I know is in some combination of monogamy, marriage, or getting some on a regular basis. So it seems pretty easy for them to say that there's a special someone out there for me too.

Honestly, I don't know if there's someone out there for me. I completely understand that you can't be outside the will of God and expect the blessings of God, but I'm having a really hard time even figuring out what it is that I'm even doing wrong here! If he's out there, is it really too much to ask that he show himself... and soon, please, before I completely lose it. Most of my friends/coworkers/family like to say condesending things like "Oh, you're so lucky. You get to have a career and friends and do whatever you want to." What they don't realize is that the desires of my heart are to have a happy little marriage, a happy little family, all living together in a happy little house. My desires are not for work or career or freedom. The grass is always greener...

Being mad at God is NOT something that comes naturally for me. I'm a blame taker and a peace maker, so it's hard for me to be or stay mad at God (or anyone, for that matter) when I know there's probably an insanely long list of my faults and wrongdoings that can be thrown back in my face. I shudder to think of that conversation. But I seriously am having trouble believing that God would withhold something that He knows would make me so unbelievably happy while allowing my parents to push me to plan my 19-year-old sister's wedding! This one little event has the potential to crush my spirit so thoroughly, so completely.

I feel like God is holding out on me! I can so easily see how Eve was "tricked" into partaking of the beautiful, perfect yet forbidden fruit. Satan convinced her that God was holding out on her. He was withholding something wonderful, something perfect, something she should be entitled to. It's becoming harder and harder to be obedient when rebellion seems too beautiful, too perfect, too easy.

2) "You're really not going to tell me anything about your life?"

Maybe I just have a short fuse these days, but when I heard this statement, I seriously wanted to shift into a werewolf and claw some eyes out. First of all, there's not much to tell. Second of all, I am not in such a bad position in life that I need someone to feign interest in my life. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear it when we were dating, and now that he's made the unilateral decision that we "could be great friends," he is fishing for information. Information that I'm doing worse without him. Which I'm not. I'm not worse off. I'm just lost. It's hard to feel bad or good when you're frantically trying to find a way back to your normal life. But even if I wanted to be brutally honest about how my life has improved post-taxman, I am always the one to do/say exactly what is expected. And even though I want to lash out, stay angry, hold a massive grudge, I don't. I answer the phone every single time. Sometimes I find myself so annoying...

3) "You're not really going to buy a house here, are you?"

This is probably the worst, most frustrating sentence in the entire world. At least for me anyway, because I never thought I'd be a townie. And it's not that being a townie is a bad thing... I just really, honestly never thought it would be me. I am the mover. I am the accomplisher. I am perpetually on to bigger and better things. Right?

But what if I'm not? What if I'm no better or worse than anyone else who moves home? Even if I moved to a completely different city with completely new faces, new opportunities, new scenery... would anything really be any different? Wouldn't I still be me? Me, surrounded by newer, married/monogamous/parental faces.

And this whole house thing... I just honestly don't know what else to do! I mean, seriously, if I bought a house, what would I do with it? Live in it alone?? I have no idea how to do that! But, again, I just don't know what else to do! It seems like the most plausible option at this point. It's too expensive to rent and a ridiculous waste of money. But it's SOOOO permanent to buy. What's a girl to do??

Kiddos, I have no idea what I've learned this week. I have no words of wisdom. Maybe you could share some news with me... you never know what might make it into my next post!!

Adios...