Girls: The Mystery Unveiled - Part 1

So I'm hooked on a blog. It's not just any blog... it's Andy Merrick. OK, seriously I have no idea who that is. I know only a little about his story. I have never met him. Ever. But I came across a link to his blog via an old friend's facebook page (see Mom, facebook really is good for information!) and began reading. And now I can't stop.

Anyway, I won't go into Andy's life story (mostly because I don't really know it), but I have been absolutely intrigued by his series "Why Guys Aren't Asking You Out." He's up to like 12 parts of the series, but it's enthralling stuff, I swear. It's so enthralling and enlightening that I've decided to do the obvious: counter it with a series of my own. So for the next few weeks I will be writing a series called "Girls: The Mystery Unveiled." First things first, you'll need to beef up on Andy's material... read the series here: http://blog.andymerrick.com/?p=134.

I also offer up the same disclaimer: I don't claim that my information is flawless or even correct. But I am a girl, and I can offer up a few tidbits on decoding our species. I will probably spend a good amount of time countering points that Andy has made... or maybe explaining them away in terms that even the biggest bonehead can grasp. Hey, everyone has a story to tell. So here it is...

All The Single Ladies: Same Saturday Night... Different POV
While Andy's scenario appears simple enough, women know that nothing is ever as simple as it seems. So what's the real truth? I woke up waaay to early on Saturday morning... a leftover symptom of "I have a real job" that just won't go away. I took that much-needed trip to the gym to work off the family-sized bag of M&Ms I had for dinner last night. About 2 minutes into my workout on the elliptical machine, I cast a sideways glance at the pint-sized, sweat-free Olympic sprinter working out next to me and secretly vow to never be photographed next to her. I spend the majority of the rest of the afternoon lounging on the couch, watching sappy movies on Lifetime and making another secret vow to not let anyone else know what I did all afternoon. Around 4pm, I start calling around to see what the rest of the girls are doing and, after learning that everyone else sat around watching sappy Lifetime movies all afternoon, decide that I'm not as much of a loser as I thought I was. I invite some of the girls over to hang out later and then head to the nearest Publix to grab whichever bottle of white wine has the most expensive-looking label. The girls come over and we drink wine... some from actual wine glasses and some from plastic cups when the four wine glasses have already been claimed. We talk about our work schedules, what's going on with our churches or our families, and discuss any juicy gossip we might have picked up during the week. At some point I'm sure someone asks about the hot new eye doctor working nearby or how things are going with the new guy that so-and-so is dating. And then we talk about anything but guys.

Weird, huh? Don't get me wrong... any girl loves to hear about a hot available guy. But girls aren't talking about you at parties. It's complicated, but explainable in two parts:

Girls aren't talking about you at parties because we don't want to offend other girls. There's a weird, unspoken rule among mostly-single girl circles: We stick together. This is especially true of girls who have been single a long time. Or girls who haven't. OK, it's just a weird thing, I guess. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that when a group of single girls is together, the subject of guys is broached with lots of caution. If one of the girls has recently started seeing someone seriously, it can be a sore subject among other girls who wish that they were seeing someone seriously. Or it can be a serious annoyance to girls who are no longer seeing someone seriously. Unless everyone in the room is single and looking, most of the subject of guys is avoided. As strange as it sounds, girl time is pretty riddled with rules.

But the second reason that we just aren't talking about you is because girls are mental multi-taskers at all times. Let's think about guys and girls in computer programmer's terms: Guys are one-task-minded. They open Microsoft Word, type a letter, and then close Microsoft Word. Task accomplished. Window closed. Once that window is closed, he can move on to the next task. I don't mean to imply that guys are... well... simple-minded (which may or may not be the case). It's intriguing to me how nothing else exists while there's a task on a guy's brain.

In contrast, a woman's mind has several "windows" open all at once... just all minimized at the bottom of the screen. And the windows stay open until the task is completed. In any given day, the single girl's brain might go something like this: Make sure to pay the rent today. Don't forget that Jacie's birthday is Thursday. Did I forget to unplug the iron? My driver's license expires next week. I really need a pedicure. What's on my agenda at work today? I really need to stick to my gym schedule.... and so on and so forth. And it's all up and running until a task is accomplished and the window is closed. It's exhausting. Seriously.

The reason all this is important is because even if a girl wants to gush about a new guy she met or about how hot Bobby looks in his new jeans, she just doesn't. She still thinks it, but it's just another open window. There's plenty of other, girl-safe windows open to chat about.

What's the Point?
The point is... we're different. Girls try really hard to make things look seamless, flawless, easy. But they're not. We're pretending. We go absolutely pee-pants over a guy's attention, but we work hard to make it seems like it's an everyday occurrence.

And (for lack of a more original term) as jokey as this is... I'm really serious about understanding things too. Andy has great insight. He is open and honest about what guys are thinking and feeling (or not feeling). I'm sure I'll gain some momentum just like he did. I don't know it all and I don't know who even reads this... but it's fun. And educational. Mostly.

Keep reading... girls are more than loyal to each other. We're more than just what meets the eye. And who knows? Maybe Andy or I will stumble upon some jewel of relationship wisdom. Maybe God Himself will finally! reveal the mysteries of the sexes to us. But no matter what, stay tuned. It'll be a fun ride.

Sweet Release

I can't believe it's July already! It's been so long since I blogged that I thought for my first post in a while I'd share some of the actual strengths of my Godly singleness... especially since I tend to focus on the struggles of Godly singleness. A lot. In any event, it's a wonderful day and I have wonderful thoughts in my head. Read on!...

I have spent many, many nights pondering my life situation. You know... the fearful feeling in the pit of your stomach that you're missing the point. Everyone has it at some time or another, I think. Anyway, lots of times I look at what's going on in my life and just imagine God sitting up on the throne, gazing sadly (and maybe amusingly?) at what's going on around me. Then He'll give a little chuckle and say, "Oh, Blair! You're missing the point!!" When it comes to Godly singleness, am I really missing the point?

I had a long talk with myself not long ago. And I asked myself a few questions: What if I never get married? What if I never have a family of my own? What if this is all there is?? I'm sure you can guess my answer... My God will take care of me. Yes, it's the recurring motto of my life. It's recurring mostly because I have to keep reminding myself that God really is in control. Only this time, when I really thought about my life and what it's all about... if this is really all that ever happens to me... my heart automatically answered with "my God will take care of me." And this time, surprisingly, I really believed it!

I know, I know... you're probably thinking that I certainly must have believed it all along. Especially the way I carry on and on about it. But it's not true. Sometimes I don't believe it. Sometimes I don't believe Him. Sometimes I don't believe that things are OK or that I have a plan or a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I barely exist... it's like I'm just sort of drifting on the periphery. Flying just below the radar. I'm hard to forget but impossible to remember.

But then I began reading He Chose the Nails by Max Lucado, and something heavenly happened. God actually spoke to me. Personally. I wasn't flying below His radar, and He really needed to be stern with me. Seriously, it was time. You know, I think it's universal to all of us that we feel like we're having the WORST day or the WORST week or the WORST life. We think that no one can possibly understand how we feel or what we're going through. Least of all, Jesus. Oh, but it's sooooo not true, and thank the Good Lord above that He finally talked some sense into me!!

See, here's the thing. Jesus got depressed. OK, I seriously don't know why this thought has escaped me for all of my 28 years, but it's really true. When He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before the betrayal, Jesus was praying to God and the Bible says He was deeply distressed. He wasn't just stressed... He was distressed. He was confused. He was worried. He was scared. His friends couldn't stay awake for Him, and at the first hint of danger, they abandoned Him. They didn't just turn their backs on Him; they literally ran away from Him. They denied even knowing Him. They hid so they didn't even have to face questions from people who might have seen them hanging around Jesus. One even sold Him off for a few bucks. And I thought girls were backstabbers... Anyway, Jesus has been there. He has felt alone, just like me. And you.

But wait! There's more... Jesus not only got depressed, Jesus prayed to God and didn't get what He wanted!! OK, I don't know if you're sitting there in disbelief like I was, but it's a word from God that' s just too big to miss! In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was praying for God to "take this cup from me." He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be in pain. He didn't want to follow God's will. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. And it certainly didn't come without suffering or pain. But He did it anyway. How many times have I prayed for something and God just flat out told me no? I mean, Jesus didn't get everything He wanted from God. How could I expect any different??

So here's the strength that I've found in my Godly singleness: I'm really OK. If this is all that happens... If I die next week never having been married or having any children; working two jobs; driving my old, chipped-paint car... If nothing else substantial ever happens... MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME.

Oh, I'll keep asking for what I want. Only now I'm learning to be content with what He gives.

How Good is Good Enough?

You know that guy best friend you have? The only one who has seen you in your glasses and sweats with dirty hair and no makeup? Yeah, well, I have two. And they are the bestest of the best guy friends a girl could ever ask for! I am so, so, so lucky to have them. But then there comes that day when...

duh, duh, dum

... they meet a girl. And she's cute and she's funny and she's irritatingly perfect. And deep down you know she's probably just as great as he thinks she is because he wouldn't date her otherwise. But when it comes your best friend's girlfriend, how good is good enough? Because it would be really hard for me to handpick a girlfriend for J Mac... and even harder to pick one for True Love. And seriously, nobody yet has been good enough. Nobody.

But then I realize that it must be just as hard for them as it is for me... those moments when something seems so great on paper, but you know it just isn't quite right... the moments when you realize that no matter how badly you wish for it to work out, it just doesn't. It's tough for me, and sometimes I tend to discount how hard it must be for J Mac and True Love when the same thing happens to them.

It's never easy when God says "not yet." I'd much rather Him just tell me yes or no... black or white... open or closed. But in my experience, God's answers always come in His time. And very rarely do God and I run on the same clock. And what's so funny about the whole life experience is that everything we want seems to be just outside the realm of possibility...

A man (or, in the guys' case, a woman) you love desperately but can never be with.
A fabulous job in a fabulous city that you aren't quite qualified for.
An apology or forgiveness that you're too embarrassed to offer or receive.

But I've got some life experience too... from God, from my friends, and from my blog readers... and if I was to give the guys some advice, this would be it:

1) Don't worry. It's WAAAAAY easier said than done, but it's much easier when put in the proper perspective. Your God WILL take care of you. Yes, you might have a broken heart. Yes, you might be buried under mountains of stress. Yes, you might have temporarily lost sight of the goal. But what's great about God is that nothing we go through is a surprise to Him. He's not sitting on the throne, scratching His head, wondering where we went wrong. He has a plan. He sees a much bigger picture. And just because He's allowing a life-valley doesn't mean He wants you to dismiss the scenery.

2) Get a life. Yep, you heard me exactly right. Get a life. And get a good one. The way I figure it, you better get busy living or get busy dying. And the choice is easy, really, because we're all already dying. So you better live while you have the chance. Take the trip you've been meaning to take for a while. Strike up a conversation with the sad-looking, tired-and-worn-out cashier working the midnight shift at the Wal-Mart. Work hard and establish yourself. Volunteer. Make yourself proud of you. But don't sit around waiting on your life to change itself. Very rarely does something great fall from the ceiling of your apartment.

3) Learn to be okay alone. If there was a single-best life lesson I've learned, it's this one. And it's a hard lesson to learn, but if you think anything of any value comes at an easy price, you're dead wrong. Seek God. Pray to Him. A lot. It's the only thing that will get you through the valley. In fact, it's the only thing that will get you through anything. It's the only thing that ever has. And then, when you're ready, ask yourself the question you've been avoiding for most of your 20-something years...

If this is all that ever happens to me... if I never get another job or get married or have children... if this is all that life has to offer... am I really okay?

The answer might surprise you.

Exhaustivated

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Exhaustivated.

This has been the worst week... I'm so glad it's Friday!! Monday night I ended up having to work until 1am!! What is THAT craziness?? But hellllooooooo fat overtime check! Tuesday I had an eye appointment, which actually really wasn't that bad. It helps that my eye doctor is a mega-hottie. With a smokin' hot wife. And 4-year old twins. *Sigh* Then I had to work late into the night Tuesday night only to have my training class cancel Wednesday!! I finally got some good sleep Wednesday night, but Thursday I had to rush home to watch the Bean and her little-man-friend while my sister went to a job interview. THEY WERE TERRIBLE!! Nothing helped!! Not clean diapers... not bottles or baby food... not singing or rocking. I seriously can see how kids get that Shaken Baby Syndrome. And then my sister told me that she backed into my car on the way to her interview!!! It just doesn't get any better than this...

Next week it looks like I'll be hanging out in Bullock County. Stay tuned.

Things I've learned this week? Only one: The blog falls by the wayside when the hours at work are long and the work is... well, exhaustivating.

Bad Decisions

WHY IS IT SO DARN HARD TO BE SINGLE?!?!

I can already hear some of you laughing and snickering to yourselves. Especially those of you who might wish you were single... but that's a blog for another time, another place.

I made a bad decision yesterday. And just before you start laughing and snickering again... YES, I make bad decisions every day I'm sure. Or at least a couple times a week. Just most of the time, my bad decisions have to do with eating one more cookie or sleeping in instead of getting up on time for work. This one might take this week's cake.

I e-mailed the Man-Child.

Yes, I imaged the scary music playing too.

But instead of going on and on about my bad decisions and the ways I wish God would make it all up to me, I'm just going to head back to the old school. Way back when, I used to post lists of things I had learned. Time to get back to basics...

So this time around, here's my list: Things I Have Learned About Singleness

1) It gets lonely. I know about half of you are thinking Duh! while the other half is feeling some combination of pity and sympathy. Please don't look at me with the puppy-dog eyes. It's not that bad.

2) It's hard to find really good friends who are in the same life-place, BUT those friends are for-lifers. It's bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.

3) People quit asking you when you're going to get married or have children because by this point they've already decided that you're much more interested in your career than in having a family. It's sooooo not true, but it seems to be the norm.

4) Careers are easier to establish, take seriously, and manage. It's funny to hear myself say it, but I have a career. It's like making a lifetime commitment to be able to provide for myself. I'm in a line of work that I'm sure I'll be doing until that day comes where I can't work anymore (and I'll be praisin' Him all the way home that day!)... and that's a loooonnng time to love what you do!

5) MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. Are we sensing a theme here? I know it seems like I bring this up a lot, but I feel like someone reading this (ahem... besides myself) needs to hear it as much as I do! I could read all of the When God Writes Your Love Story stories ever written, but it doesn't mean as much to me as knowing... and I mean REALLY knowing... that my God will take care of me. So I have to keep reminding myself that He's enough. He was enough in high school when I didn't have a date to my senior prom. He was enough all the way through college when my friends were meeting their husbands and marrying their true loves. He was enough when I broke it off with the Golfer and the Engineer and the Man-Child, all because He couldn't approve. And He's still enough. Still today. Still tomorrow. Still next week. And if I'm lucky enough to find a Godly man and someday marry him, my God will still be enough.

And that's the best thing of all about being single. I know that I know that I know that my God will take care of me. No matter what, He's enough.

I've had enough of living life for only me,

and reaching just for the things that keep destroying me.

So sick of envying the lives of so many I see,

somehow believing that they have what I need.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You.

Those who deny You - oh, they have it better than I do.

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only You mean anything.

My God's enough for me.

This world has nothing I need.

In this whole life I've seen

my God's enough for me.

Who have I in heaven but You?

Nothing I desire but You.

My heart may fail, but not You.

You are mine forever.

Who have I but You?

-Psalm 73 (My God's Enough) by BarlowGirl

The Best Days

Happy Good Friday, faithful readers! I hope that everyone is very much looking forward to this Easter season. I know some of us (ahem... me) have been struggling with God and His purpose and His plan and His timing. And I know some of us (ahem... me) have been trying to hide the fact that we're mad at God about one thing or another and we're putting on a front with Him. (It doesn't work, by the way, but we're doing it nonetheless.) Some of us (ahem... me) are praying and speaking to Him and going about everyday life as if nothing has changed. The funny thing is, though... I still speak to Him as if everything's OK. I STILL SPEAK TO HIM.

How mad can I really be, I ask you? Sometimes I don't even make sense to myself.

But no matter how angry I am or how impatient I am or how stubborn I am... I still believe. One of my favorite verses in the entire Bible is in Isaiah... what a marvelous book filled with hidden gems of Godly wisdom! Read it, and search for His hidden promises and purposes. And then read it again... He'll surprise you every time! Anyway, my one of my all-time favs is Isaiah 43:10... "You are My witnesses," declares the LORD, "and My servants whom I have chosen so that you may know and BELIEVE ME and know that I am He."

This is one of the only times that I'm aware of where God says "BELIEVE ME." Consider the wording there... he says "BELIEVE ME." Not "believe IN me." This scripture is NOT for the faint of faith. It doesn't even apply to those who are wishy-washy, always doubting and wondering if God is really there. There are LOTS of verses that apply to those people... ones to help you in your doubt and to comfort you in your loneliness.

But folks, this ain't it.

Why is this one so different? Well, because God implies that we already believe IN him. We already believe that He exists. This is a passage from the Old Testament... pre-Jesus, pre-salvation, pre-fellowship in Heaven. There was a lot of sin and a lot of war and a lot of seemingly empty promises from God for the Jews. And it's human nature (ahem... my nature) to think that God is somehow holding out on us. That there's something we're somehow entitled to that we're not getting already.

And God is saying that He chose Isaiah and the Jews because He wanted His people to BELIEVE HIM. That's a big task. I don't know if you've ever said something like, "It will happen, believe me." That's what God is saying... BELIEVE ME. I will free you, BELIEVE ME. I will take care of you, BELIEVE ME. I will provide for you, BELIEVE ME. I will do what's best for you, BELIEVE ME. I AM GOD... BELIEVE WHAT I'M TELLING YOU! In other words, I chose YOU to KNOW ME and to TRUST ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how my God will take care of me. It's easy to say... hard to believe. I've been struggling with the believing part. But here it is, in black-and-white, doesn't get any plainer... I CHOSE YOU TO BELIEVE ME. And to be a witness to the glory of it all. Now, if God is God... and we already believe IN Him... and He chose ME to BELIEVE HIM and to BE A WITNESS... doesn't He trap Himself into doing what He says He will do? Wow! What an amazing way for God to speak to me this weekend...

He was pierced for our transgressions.

He was crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

We are healed by Your sacrifice

And the life that You gave.

We are healed for You paid the price.

By Your grace we are saved.

We are saved.

He was pierced for our transgressions,

Crushed for our sins.

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed.

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

The Mask Comes Off

Well friends, I have debated long and hard about this day. I have spent so many years of my life only doing and saying the things that I think will make me seem put-together and popular. As of late, I've been remembering some of the things I should have done better or differently but didn't because I would have seemed weak or unpopular or frazzled. And I hate those things.

But today is a new day. The mask is coming off... so to speak. Does this mean that I'm ready to bear all of my deep, dark secrets for all of you out there? Probably not. But it is a change in perspective, a new transparency I've always wanted to have. And I'm finally ready to share my life with you. With all of you. Because if my life... and I mean my real life... can help someone or teach someone or comfort someone in some small way that I might never see, then that's what I need to do. I can't say that it will all be worth it because I don't know that it will be. I'm a defender of my life... I don't have it all together sometimes and I haven't always been the popular one. I might not be even now...

I am really mad at God and I'm finding it so easy to become mediocre in my walk with Him. And let's face it, aside from a few sporadic high points, I can usually find it very easy to become mediocre in my walk. But the trouble is that I go through these periods of time where I just don't care. I'm in one of those now. I just don't care that I'm mediocre. I don't want to take the time I should to read and study the Word. I'm exhausted. And sometimes it's actually refreshing to be ordinary in my faith. I can feel God's seething disappointment in me as I write this.

For most of my life, I've been different. I'm usually the "smart one" that everybody wants on their Trivial Pursuit team. Well, everyone except for TrueLove, that is, especially after that whole Panama Canal incident. I'm "smart." And sometimes that's worse than being "popular." Smart people know what I'm talking about. You get taken for granted. You end up doing other people's work because theirs might be "correct" but yours is "outstanding." People automatically assume you can figure it out. You can know what other people expect of you before they even ask. Smart. You almost have to spit to even say that word.

Even though there are MUCH worse things to be than "smart," I'm never "pretty." In most of today's society, you can't be both. Or so it seems. They even had a reality show about that one time... oh, what was it called?... ummm.... oh, right! America's Most Smartest Model. WHAT THE CRAP?!?!

I'm jealous. Not of America's Most Smartest Model. I'm jealous of pretty people. Pretty, skinny people. People who can wear two-piece bathings suits and not have kids running away and screaming in horror. But my jealousy doesn't stop there. I'm jealous of married people and people in loving, committed, serious relationships. I'm jealous of single women with fabulous single friends. I'm jealous of women with blond hair, women with brown hair, and women with red hair. I'm jealous of women with children. I'm jealous of women who can walk into the Gap and pick up a pair of jeans off the rack and wear them!! I'm jealous of women who get attention for all the wrong reasons and I'm jealous of women who get attention for all of the right ones. I'm jealous of Godly women and I'm jealous of women who are experiencing favor without doing any of the work it's supposed to take to get there!

And I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be smart because I can't be pretty. And there's just one thing that I've learned lately that's worthy of a spot on my list...

1) You CAN experience favor, even if you're living outside the will of God. Will the eternal rewards be as sweet? Probably not. But how long am I supposed to wait on Him?? Forever seems like too much for Him to ask...